Digging a little deeper…

By On · 11 Comments · In blog

Mum, my sister and I, Greece 70′s.

Family relationships are complex, they just are, and there are no two ways about it.

The time we spend, once having flown the nest trying to figure out who we actually are, can often span a whole lifetime. Within that time, so much of it is spent distancing ourselves, in order to try and shape and sculpt, a new independent, unattached or less effected, you.

I realize I have spent much my life judging my own family and looking at where things could have been different. But now finally,  at nearly 40, I am finally aware of just how unique, open and special our relationship with each other, actually is. Sure everyone is pissed off at each other for one thing or another, most of the time but at the heart of it, there is a deep love and respect for one another.

Generally, when most families get together, some of the most ridiculous patterns of behavior are reverted back to. Your father becomes a bossy overbearing bigot and your mum, becomes silent and un -opinionated and you, well you become a grumpy defensive 14 year old and play out the same old conversations, 20 years later!

The problem is that we can get so triggered by past stuff, just like an old scar that burns sometimes, that we all tend to forget that there is, with a bit of effort, an opportunity for it to be a different way.

Mum and dad on the right, my sister and I, 2 little blondes, Delhi 70′s.

Share >>

want more? subscribe to the mmq newsletter!

  • KBurnett

    After having lost one incredibly loving parent 10 years ago,
    I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to ‘find an opportunity for it to be
    different’ with the remaining difficult one – knowing that his end was also
    imminent has been an added pressure.

    After many frustrating years of trying to make us work, I
    came to accept that things could only change if both parties were on board and
    often, as in the majority of families, they are not. 

    In the end, by me accepting the parent role and he the
    childs, we found our peace and now that he has gone I can get on with the real
    work of mending those ‘old scars’ that were so difficult to heal while he was
    alive.

    • Vashti

      When I originally wrote this piece it had a whole two extra paragraphs about when you have not  had the chance to make it happen and that it as adults all parties need to come to the table. I re read this post 20 times and ended up brutally editing it, because it felt too ‘heavy’. But in truth, lost most of the message behind it. So thank you KB for your open response and for reminding me not to self edit!
      Lots of love

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/R4BVF2MC4NWEQPLVPNSQON6HOM Patti

    Ah ha! See blonde hair run’s in your family, that’s where little Jesse & Indy get if from! You had blonde hair too when you were younger and now it’s dark, so their’s might change too…And by the way, you look a lot like your mom!

  • Beth Forrester

    It’s OK Vashti, even with editing you did a good job with this story. I almost didn’t write because this topic hits the sorest spot in my life, my parents. The lack of love and support they showed us 3 kids throughout our lives has scarred us all in someway.  After they separated/divorced when I was 12 (I was the youngest) and it was an ugly messy divorce, horrible fighting, police being called, doors being kicked in, it was clear with both parents the children were physical and/or financial burdens….at least that’s how they made us feel.

    Our family is very complex to say the least. I was the one who extended an olive branch to my mom many years ago to have a relationship with her after I moved away at 17, and I accepted who she was. I realized she went through a lot  being married to my cheating dad for 22 years. I put myself in her shoes to understand why she treated me the way she did when I was young, and putting me through some very uncomfortable situations. (such as making me confront my dad with her with his mistress, one example) I helped her financially for years too which is something I’ll never regret. She passed away 2 years ago, but I’m glad I did what I did. My dad and stepmother of 30 years is an entirely different story however. I’m a mature person and try to be adult as possible, but sadly my dad and stepmother are impossible to deal with, even my siblings agree and have very little relationship with them as well. I’ve made many attempts over the years to have a relationship with my dad and he only wants one if it’s on his terms. My stepmother has always made all of us feel very unwelcome over the years which has made it even more challenging to have any kind of relationship with my dad. I kept trying for many years and realized after seeing him and my stepmother I was depressed and sad how they treated me, and can only do and take so much. The last straw was realizing how immature my dad is when my sister and I went to lunch with him for his B-Day 2 years ago, a month after our mom died and he made a bad joke about her. I have dealt with his lack of support in every way over the years, but that was very inappropriate. I haven’t spoken to him since, it was the proverbial ‘straw that broke the camels back.’  I did send him my new phone number (which I changed a couple months after this incident) in his B-Day card last year after my siblings said he was trying to get a hold of me, but he never called and I know he got it because my brother said he mentioned he received the card from me.

    Sorry this is so long, it’s difficult to get in all I needed to say so it wouldn’t be too confusing. I guess what I am saying is I tried very hard to have a relationship (made 90% of the effort) with my dad for the past 15 years with nothing but disappointments. So, I have accepted and realized at the age of 48 not having a relationship is best for my mental health if that makes sense.

    • Vashti

      When I first wrote this post I noticed that it had no responses and I foolishly edited it to take away from some of the darker stuff that can be provoked in this area. As a Coach, a friend, a parent, anyone really, to be able to sit in the silence of discomfort, is critical! It gives the space and time for the person to feel, think and maybe create insight within the silence.
      Thank you Beth for your very brave and open response. 
      There is also, when families are involved a very important point, when you have to take full responsibility for your own well being. This can be an incredibly tough act but no harder than some of the stuff you may have endured.  This is an acknowledgment to those ( you know who you are) who have come from a very dark and painful place. The next step of healing is to learn how to accept what was and is,  whilst  honoring yourself by making your life what you want it to be! 

      • Beth Forrester

        Thank you Vashti for the reply!  Sometimes it’s good/important to go to the dark places to get it out there. I hesitated to write my original response because I thought it might be too much information for your blog…but then thought this is what your blog is about, real life, real events. Even though I had kind of a hard childhood, I’m good now, my life is better than it ever has been. I’ve make several important life decisions in the past few years which has led me to a more enjoyable life and it’s been great! I’m working on more fun things too, as you are inspiring me as well.

        To be honest, there have been times I think about my dad and just randomly showing up at his house or calling him, but I know him and my stepmother like the back of my hand…..instead of a joyous reunion I would be greeted with 50 questions, judged why I haven’t been in touch, etc. I’m afraid it would just turn into yet another disappointment as they’ve always been. So for now I will leave it as is an focus on myself….thanks again xx

  • Pam Stewart

    Indeed, the dynamics of family relationships is very complex at times.  Being from a family of 10 children (same mother & father) what Ive witnessed in my own family has been quite a trip and very painful at times.  Family reunions…well lets just say have had their highs and lows indeed even still after all these years.  After the first 24 hours out comes the family dirty laundry and skeletons in the closet.  This is certainly a subject I could delve into deeply with its complexities.  But with parents that closely resembled living with Lucille Ball and Jackie Gleason with great sense of humor indeed took some of the edge off of the low points.   As much as I know we love and respect each other…there have been times when that love and respect turned to something that bordered on hatred and total disrespect.  Love and hate indeed is a very fine line.  Again a very complex dynamic family is.

  • Sara

    wonderful picture xxx

  • Sara

    who’s trying to pull Mum’s knickers down? You or your sister? so funny made me giggle.  The times my little ones have hanged onto the back of my trouser band trying to pull them down & the giggles that come from the little monkeys. xxx

  • Rivke

    My dad took off when I was 10yrs old. I have much anger and sadness attached to his behaviour when he was around, when he left and how things were when he came back into our lives when I was older.

    Over time he has done much that has broken my heart and had me longing for a real father. Whilst my siblings seem to have forgotten all the bad stuff he has done and said and the fact he just comes in and out of our lives when it suits him, I cannot seems to let it go and be the better person. 

    At 34yrs old, when I know he is getting older, I really want things to be different but when you know that he doesn’t care that he doesn’t have a proper relationship with his children how do you swallow all that up and just be the one to make the effort and accept that he will only contact you when its good for him. How do I just be like my siblings and not really care either and just take what he can offer for the sake of a relationship? I wish there was a magic answer. Because I know one day there will be a time where there is no choice and he will be gone and I worry my regret show me the worst mistake.

  • Gholbrook

    TRUE THAT!!!