A change of season…

By On · 25 Comments · In blog

 

Something very strange and unexpected happened to me to today. I received a message from an old friend, someone I have known for a very long time. We have both taken very different paths in our lives, but strangely, ended up living in the same country, on the other side of the world from where we started, in more ways than one.

Through out our relationship we have always argued and disagreed about beliefs, semantics, each other’s approach to life and what we both want. However the one very common theme through out and only consistent place of alignment, is that we both care about each other, deeply.

It occurred to me having received their recent message, that even after all this time and EVERYTHING that we have both been through, that I still feel completely misunderstood by my friend and however much I have tried to explain or even demonstrate through my actions, who I am in the world, I feel like I am constantly being asked to qualify my approach. Along with feeling exhausted by this, it also leaves me feeling hurt, depleted and as if I am banging my head against a very hard brick wall.

So today I made a choice, that all though there is love, respect and huge admiration for my friend, I, can no longer create the space or want to make the effort to maintain a friendship, that without meaning to, feels so unsupportive and more of a battle, than a joy. Sometimes, although it can hurt like hell, we need to let go of the things in our lives that no longer support or enable us to grow. Just as a beautiful tree or blossoming shrub, needs to be trimmed back, so that it grow even greener and riper, in its next season, we must also bravely, prune back our own branches and make space for the ones that will bare the sweetest fruit, moving forward.

 

 

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  • Averetce

    This blog helped me realize there are things I need to let go in my life in order to move on and be happy. Thank you for your words of wisdom. You are always enlightening.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1469100129 Kylie Scott

    Well said, Thank you

  • Sally T.

    Well said, well done. I’ve been contemplating a pruning of my own this week. Pretty sure this is a sign that it needs to happen :)

  • Connie

    Actually had to do this a few years ago, with a friend I had for over 21 years…………………and though I cried for months and months afterwards, and I miss her like crazy, I can truthfully say it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself.

  • Janewonderfqlls

    Very true. I think that is one of the most difficult and mature decisins we can make as adults is letting go of people in order to grow and find peace. It’s hard but well worth. Great post.

  • Kianceta80

    Your lines are my breakfast reading. An incredibly good reading. How one can better start the day than with a cup of coffee and these positive thoughts thus to the reflexion stimulate.

  • Bonniebonniebon

    TOTALLY relate!! Sometimes it’s easier to make such decision regarding relationships with friends etc. It wasn’t easy at first but I had to cut all ties with my own mother. Also do not speak with my only living sister. I have chosen to make a new and wonderful path for me and my own family I have created. My mother lives in the past where I have chosen to learn and move on. I am very giving so very selective of friends…been hurt a lot do my best not to allow people to close unless I feel they will give me equal respect,consideration and support that I whole heartely give.Goad you did what was best for you Vashti =)

  • 4kidsplus3

    iv always said and thought that true and loyal friends accept you for what you really are..no questions asked but advice from time to time…some frienships can be more of a burden than joy and happiness in their company…50+ C..x

  • Dorothee

    I can totally relate to this article. I had a friend once I thought very important to me. Nevertheless we also argued a lot and after years of deep friendship but too much arguing she started to look down on me and my beliefs of live etc. I think when I decided that this friendship would no longer work for me was when she started arguing with me how wrong my parents did when adopting my three younger siblings. That it was wrong to adopt them because it was not “natural” and everybody was born into their life and adoption would be an access into what nature had prepared for us…something close to this she said, I can´t even really remember since I blocked out most of  her mean words. How weird to discuss such a subject with somebody who has three adopted siblings she dearly loves…hm..anyways there was other stuff, too, and I decided, with a heavy heart, thought, to end the friendship. Instead of enjoying it, it more and more destroyed me…so I continued to go my way but without her in my life. I still miss her deeply but am truly glad I made this decision for me because it was the best for me.
    Thank you, Vashti, for putting those thoughts into wonderful words…It is always a pleasure to read your articles.

    • Sarah

       Hello Dorothee, i can just support your decision. I can’t see what should be wrong with adoption. I myself am adopted and i’m grateful that something like this exists. I mean how many children get a life they deserve when their real parents can’t care for them for whatever reasons and i think it’s a human thing to do. I mean it is what makes us human, to be social. It’s a great thing what your parents have done and it sure taught the whole family your surroundings to be more accepting for people and what life has to offer. So if her view of the world was hurting you or was somehow unhealthy this hard the decision was the best you could do for yourself.

  • Alexiscarril

    It’s uncanny but I had the same experience two years back and made the same choice.

  • Alexiscarril

    It’s uncanny but I had the same experience two years back and made the same choice.

  • Jake

    That Banksy piece always deeply affects me; the way it captures the bittersweet yet empowering feeling of letting go.  My cousin and I were friends literally from birth, but twenty years later we started to grow apart and we were no longer the same people.  Although we’ll always have love for each other, we can only stay together in our hearts, not in our lives.

  • Pam Stewart

    Have been doing a great deal of this myself the past couple years…letting go of what does not serve me well and making room for what does.  And not just people but many other things in my life so I get what you are saying Vashti.  Been doing a bit of house cleaning myself so to speak…their loss as far as I’m concerned.  I no longer have the patience or time for such things that suck the life out of me or my desire to have a harmonious and peaceful existence.  

  • Beth Forrester

    I have/had a friend of 26 years and after some soul searching I came to the conclusion about 7 months ago she’s not a positive person in my life. So I made the decision to stop hanging out with her and haven’t since. We ‘best’ friends mind you, but we would have fun together…..she would come visit me when I lived in L.A. and then Laguna Hills, Cali, we kept in touch over the years, and then I moved back to Michigan 15 years ago. We would hang out here and there, but she was almost always single and on the prowl, where I was in a relationship and wasn’t into the bar scene. Just two people living different lives. She did get married but a couple years ago she divorced. I was there more than ever to support her, but she was not upset from the divorce she had wanted.  Over the course of those past 2 years I realized what a user she is in every way imaginable. Not just with me but others around her as well. I saw what a self centered selfish person she was,  contacting people *only* when she wanted something from them, including myself.  That’s not the type of person I want in my life. I’m a caring person by nature and love helping others when they need it, what I don’t need in my life is someone who takes advantage of my kindness and generosity. True friendships and friends will be there for each other with no ulterior motives, no judgement, or criticism, a real friend is there simply because they care (important word!), and it must to be a 2-way street….otherwise it just not worth the effort. That’s when you realize as I did with my friend of 26 years, it’s time to move forward and onto more positive people in your life!

  • http://twitter.com/ciccinsmother ciccinsmother

    Dear Vashti, you seem to have read in my thoughts and wrote this piece for me. My cousin and I spent half our lives together, but because of my fighting with her boyfriend, we gradually stopped hanging out.  despite this, my affection for her has never changed. They will be married next Saturday and I have done my best to organize a memorable bachelorette party for her, but I received a stop again because her boyfriend does not like the initiative, and she accepts the issue. I felt greatly disappointed again, but now your words have made me understand the right approach. Much love, Claudia

  • Terrimaurer

    That hits so close to home.  My husband and I have had a friendship with another couple for nearly 14 yrs, we would hike,  work out, target practice, and on the spur of the moment take off to Key West for the week end.  After we had our boys, things changed for us, As for our friends, well their son was grown and in the military.   Our relationship with them actually became a struggle, My friend not understanding, and listening to me about not wanting to go out, or wanting to stay home with my children and not having the time, or money to take off and do things like before. No matter how we tried to talk to them about it, they were still  pushy and sort of controlling.  We realized our friendship with them had become stressful and unhealthy.  We slowly removed ourselves from the situation, and from time to time  we still say hello, but that’s it, I do feel better because I knew it had to be, but I will keep the memories of their friendship and the good ole days in my heart.  But for now, my life and fun is with my Family.

  • Kristi Hayes

    I have had this experience as well. My friend and I had been friends for thirteen years. I wanted her in my life. She moved away for a few years, and then returned to where I live. We had always been accepting of each other’s different beliefs. We had our children 8 days apart, and I really was looking forward to my son growing up with a life long friend. I had spent almost everyday on the phone or seeing her when she returned, and after another conversation of what was her idea of what my life should be and how my partner was no good for me..I decided to look at why we needed each other in our lives. We tended to bring each other down instead of lift each other up. I didn’t want to be responsible for making someone unhappy. I don’t want to judge or be judged, and that is all I felt we were doing to each other. I quit speaking to her, I love her, and sometimes I miss her terribly..but our relationship was not supportive, compassionate, and I did not feel we should continually analyze what is right for the other person or defend my life choices constantly. Although it was right for me to end the friendship, it still makes me sad that it had to be this way. I am sorry that you had to make this difficult choice also. Peace be with you today dear.

  • Sara

    This must have been a very tough decision & obviously not done light hearted but you MUST do what you feel is right for you & your family.  You are a very courageous  lady, are very well loved & respected in your own right.  I fell very honored to see your wise words, which often make me stop & think.  I thank you many times over for your insight to life. xxx

  • Mush

    Life is too short to spend it with people who suck the Happiness out of You…
    & besides we don’t owe any explaination to anybody….
    Thank you for blogging, I love reading all your blogs!!! xoxo

  • Garry Lomas

    I had a very similar story happen to me not so long ago.  It is hard to let go of an old friend but is
    even harder to stay connected  with
    someone who does not understand you or at least cannot seem to show it.  It is harder still if they make you feel like
    you have to justify the way you do things all of the time.  Who needs that in their life as it is hard
    enough as it is?  Sometimes people stay
    in contact for a very long time without spending much time together and their
    paths drift apart to the point where who they were at the start of the journey is
    a distant dream.

    I found with my friend that we were so different that in an
    effort to understand we would disagree. 
    Agreeing to disagree and letting be would have been a much better
    outcome as once I lost my friend the branch never grew back.   I would consider that if they do not understand
    you well, your old friend may not have realised they were hurting you and, if
    they care about you as much as you say, they may be deeply hurt themselves to finally understand they pained
    you so much.  I know after going through something similar I wish I had done
    things differently and would go back and change things I said if I could.  I still
    miss them dearly but unfortunately with
    friendships you don’t always get to make that choice.

    There are many people that cross your path with so many
    giving and receiving your support in such a positive way.  You are such an inspiring, beautiful, open
    and pure and it is sad that anyone would want to bring you down.  I agree cut your ties to the people that aren’t
    with you on your journey of life whichever direction you choose to turn.  I have to say that after knowing you they
    must be a complete idiot to lose you as a friend anyway.

    Love your analogy of the beautiful tree as you yourself grow
    bigger and stronger with the seasons even when the seasons have not been
    kind.  Each spring you continue to burst into
    flower with us all taking a quiet moment to admire the beauty and vibrant colours.

    Love you V

    Guess I always will

    I found with my friend that we were so different that in an
    effort to understand we would disagree. 
    Agreeing to disagree and letting be would have been a much better
    outcome as once I lost my friend the branch never grew back.   I would consider that if they do not understand
    you well, your old friend may not have realised they were hurting you and, if
    they care about you as much as you say, they may be deeply hurt themselves to finally understand they pained
    you so much.  I know after going through something similar I wish I had done
    things differently and would go back and change things I said if I could.  I still
    miss them dearly but unfortunately with
    friendships you don’t always get to make that choice.

    There are many people that cross your path with so many
    giving and receiving your support in such a positive way.  You are such an inspiring, beautiful, open
    and pure and it is sad that anyone would want to bring you down.  I agree cut your ties to the people that aren’t
    with you on your journey of life whichever direction you choose to turn.  I have to say that after knowing you they
    must be a complete idiot to lose you as a friend anyway.

    Love your analogy of the beautiful tree as you yourself grow
    bigger and stronger with the seasons even when the seasons have not been
    kind.  Each spring you continue to burst into
    flower with us all taking a quiet moment to admire the beauty and vibrant colours.

    Love you V

    Guess I always will

  • Queen

    Reading this post really hits home. I’ve recently parted ways with one of my own sisters. it was a difficult decision to make. At this stage in my life I have decided to no longer deal with people and situations that don’t serve my life. We’ve fallen out with one another time and time again through out the years but there just comes a time when enough is enough!. I love her and I wish her the best but if we can’t get along I feel it best that we just part ways. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1273337870 Lori Kay Blake-Leighton

    My Lord you are amazing…

  • lagunacat

    “Sometimes, although it can hurt like hell, we need to let go of the things in our lives that no longer support or enable us to grow”

    Amen!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004471262244 Marie Yateman

    I did the same. I had to let go of three women, that I had known from childhood. I realized, and sat down and thought about it, I had something they wanted but could not understand, so instead of supporting me, as I did with them, they chose to make me start doubting my beliefs and thought me weird. Letting go was like having shutters removed from my eyes.
    Marie.