Something happened to me very recently and I’m not quite sure how to describe it. But rather than remain silent as I have been or blind and blocked as to how to piece it all together, I’m just going to ramble a little and hopefully, clarity will come. So if you are willing to stumble around with me like the last drunk on the dance floor, and don’t expect too much other than that, please read on.

Over the past few months, I had started to find myself waking up every morning feeling anxious. After rushing the cubs out the door and then arriving at the office feeling agitated, I’d start my work day worrying about what I should do, instead of playfully creating, without any attachment to the outcome, on the work I most wanted to do.

The beautiful office space that I had envisioned for MMQ HQ was becoming something that I had to maximise the use of just to justify paying the rent. And I found myself filling it with people and projects that weren’t aligned with either my intention, my purpose or even the core and very fundamental basic values I hold dear: like living daily with purpose, with passion and as much creativity as possible.

I began physically feeling really quite average in my daily moulded position: cross-legged, arms tilted over a keyboard and head overly-fogged with a blur of confusion. I began substituting daily physical activity with mental gymnastic exercises comprised of freaking out about whether or not I achieved enough social media interaction and if what I was doing was viable in a business context. My focus was becoming something so far removed from how I usually choose to live my life that I literally felt like I was coming unstuck. Not to mention other than my amazing clients, everything I was working on, felt like a one sided conversation, which never works with a bonkers Gemini and or someone who doesn’t really come to life unless she is in the flow of a juicy conversation.

I started to become reactive and deeply concerned by such things as the odd forwarded email from a doubting and disgruntled Be Here Now supporter whose expectation was that a feature length film should have been finished by now. And then, as a by-product and worse still, had me become impatient, abrupt and obnoxious on my calls with the amazing director and producer, who’ve been working tirelessly, generously and passionately to create a legacy piece that, when it is ready, will not only inspire us all, but honour my man.

You get my drift right? Somehow I was getting so caught up in such a negative track of thought that everything around me was becoming a ‘should’  instead of my usual, ‘that feels right, so I’ll DO IT’ attitude and quite honestly I, and I imagine a number of people around me, were not really enjoying the person I was being.

What was strange about where I found myself was that, somewhere in me, I recognised having been here before, kind of like a feeling of déjà vu, or hearing a familiar song play, that in matter of seconds has you start to feel a sense of unease, reminding you of a time and place that you rather NOT go back to. I don’t think it was a particular point I was remembering but more than a very familiar feeling that seemed to instantaneously stop me in my tracks. The tracks that Andy, my other half, my missing piece, would have pointed out in a second. Just as he would have gently hugged me and said, half laughing and half whispering,

‘VASTI, (which is what he called me, intentionally pronouncing my name wrong as so many people do, knowing that it would instantaneously illicit a smile from me.) What are you doing, you idiot? 

Get out of your head and get back into your LIFE, the real one, the one that is unfolding right in front of you. Not that self-made madness that overthinking does to you!’

Over a year ago I wrote a piece about letting a relationship go. A very beautiful relationship but one that I was not only absolutely NOT ready for, but also one that due to the beauty and kindness of its offering, had me repeatedly drawn back to it, despite my intuitive knowledge and on going feeling that I didn’t want to be there.

The problem was, and still is, with regard to all forms of relationships for me, that despite however lovely something may appear, or the enormous potential it may have, if it is not aligned with my fundamental approach to living life, it often leaves me struggling and flailing, like a fish slowly suffocating out of water and as I gulp for the air that I am used to breathing my ability to deal with the day to day, with an intuitive and trusting approach, seems to disappear in the enormous effort it takes just to breathe.

And I guess what I haven’t shared with you is that I have gone back and forth with that relationship, metaphorically speaking, in an unhealthy and often unkind way, where despite my knowledge that it most certainly does not bring out the best of me and therefore impacts my thinking, feeling an doing in a reactive, stifled and often almost angry way, I still talk myself into how I could make it work, if I were to just give it one more chance.

Well, much like that relationship, so much of what I have been doing and creating and delivering over the last year had what seemed so much potential, so much love and so much possibility, but somewhere and somehow was build within a landscape that I find almost impossible to navigate. And, like an unexpected door slammed shut in your face, had me reactively bolt in the other direction, or worse still, find myself frozen, like an overloaded hard drive.

Here it is beautiful people, my moment of clarity. Just like my first little post over 2 years ago where I committed to creating, sharing and learning all that I can in life, just for the fun of it and because, unlike the gorgeous Lion of my pride, I get to be here, so why the hell not make it worth it and something that you love versus just tolerate.

So today I recommit to living in the moment, while holding my gaze on the horizon of MY choice. I shall stop worrying about whether it’s financially viable, whether it can become a business, if it’s properly edited, how many ‘likes’ it has, if it’s strategically planned properly to make it work as a book and any other random and unnecessary thoughts I seemed to have let get in the way of what I intended for this next chapter of mine, yours and ours.

In early June I will close what has been a strange year and in fact one of the toughest so far, but in retrospect, one that has been loaded with insight. I have tried so very hard this year to make so many things work, when deep inside, I have known when there is push involved and an absence of breath, that something is not aligned.

Letting go is the moral of this messy little story. LET GO of something if you know it no longer brings you joy. Or better still, let go of the belief that you must struggle to make it work and the rest ……….will follow.

So once again, I apologise for my absence and for my self-indulgent disappearance. I hope you’ll join me moving forward as we ALL aspire to letting go of the thoughts; that like a distorted fun-fair mirror, make us see things with about as much accuracy as my spelling. And that after reading this you will consider that just because something can work, it doesn’t mean that you have to make it work.

And I  thank you yet again with a rather revolting sloppy kiss from the drunk you began the dance with, at the beginning of this post, for your patience, your presence and for listening to me blather on as I water the drought that has temporarily starved me of my number one passion and the desire to share and bare all, with the intention to live, love and learn all that there is from the one crazily little precious life we have!

Nothing but love …

  • Dustin Wood

    :) beautiful post. Still can’t thank u enough for helping me transform to a life of positivity. Thank you for the email as well. You are a life changer. I did not have the honor to know Andy but he would have to be proud of the strong amazing leader you have become for the army of the positive

  • Beth

    Bravo! Thank you! You are one of my favorite people, strange I know, but all you post and share brings light and clarity and often a great laugh. All the things that better the world. The only thing I can give you is this thought. Sure it is always good to look around and take stock, but don’t be hard on yourself, you are doing a great thing, living and sharing! We’re lucky for it.

  • Beth F.

    This was such a great post! You managed to make me laugh a few times, and really understand how you’ve been feeling. Onward and upward! I completely agree, if something doesn’t give us joy or doesn’t feel right, move on to something that does! There is no reason to force ourselves to do things which stress us out,, make us anxious, don’t look forward too, etc. Life’s too short! I know it can difficult not over think things, as I’ve been guilty of it too, but it can be done…..the best to do is let things flow, do what you’re passionate about and believe in! I will work out, and for sure you’ll be happier pursuing your true dreams. Negative thoughts from others can stress us out if we let them, but we have the power to not let their thoughts control ours.

    As for ‘Be Here Now’, I realize this is a very important project and they want it to be ‘right’ before releasing it! I’m sure everyone has been working very hard on this incredible documentary, I’ve never doubted it for a second.

    Thanks for this wonderful post, you’re back baby! x x

    • Stephen

      I agree BethF. I’ve never doubted the Be Here Now documentary as well.

  • Teresa

    Oh my Vashti…. You mean you to are” Only Human!”.

  • Jonnine

    To know that the most inspiring and positive woman I have come across, has been through a stage, that so many of us go through, which is ‘overthinking’, makes you even more relatable. It is something that has dictated my life lately(well I let it dictate), until just last week I actually realised I was totally over thinking things, that quite often lead me to unreasonable scenarios!!! Your only human Vashti and this post was timed oh so perfectly for me and I guess for many others!! Your are way too cool and far younger than your 42 years lol!!! PS My Dad once told me to have 1 great love in a lifetime was more than he could have asked for, but to find another love(as he did) although they were such different woman was a blessing!!

  • Carolyjavi

    Vashti, my dear friend Vashti, it is a bit difficult for me to express how much you mean for me and for all MMQ Community. Just because we miss you so much when we can’t read your gorgeous post or even, for me, when I don’t see you and your beautiful cubs in Instagram. Thanks for coming back with all your energy, for inspiring us constantly. You have changed the vision of my life and I am sure the vision of many many people. I have written on the fridge, so that I can see everday, “don’t overthink, just let it go”, do and think things positively, enjoy the moment, live for something. Thank you again Vashti for coming into our lives and please count on us for anything you need. With love from Spain

  • Claire Abbott

    Always the inspiration that makes us all sit up, listen & think

    • Stephen

      Yes I totally agree. Her posts always makes us grab our attention, doesn’t it

  • ekelks

    Tough to love and knowing it’s not right pulling back. Glad you can breathe again. 42 years old & feeling 16 is not so unusual. My dad’s in his 80s & still feels 19. Don’t you worry about the documentary. Please don’t. Let the people working on it do their thing, Impatient ‘supporters’ can leave comments at the appropriate places. They don’t need to bother you. Seriously I would like to pour a glass of cold water on that person’s keyboard.:) — Arlene

  • http://my-addictionbooks.blogspot.com/ Nadine

    Hey Vash. I love coming back to your pages and seeing your following grow. It’s amazing that one person can be so inspirational. As usual, your post runs close to home. I too have been debating what networking our local authors actually means? Why put so much time and effort into something which appears, so futile. I wanted to gather an author group to do the cancer walk this year but, am getting no joy from publishing houses etc. So yesterday my sister in law said, maybe you are doing it differently and that’s what might make it work, you wont know unless you try …so therein lies my new found inspiration.

  • sperlygirl

    this is such a beautifully heartfelt post and i found myself nodding along with you in many respects. thank you for sharing your journey here, vashti. each time i drop by here, i feel the well-spring of positivity that is expressed.

  • lucyfr

    I’m sorry to hear you too fell into a kind of existential crisis and glad you hung on to what you know within the storm: YOURSELF… This is the only way out ;) After mine you so kindly helped me with I now have the freshest eyes in a long time, eyes of wonder and awe and thanks at the amazing journey I am on! Too many realise too late that life is all about love and experiencing and I cannot prove it to you but this is what lives on after too so invest in it for all your life is worth and in the lives of those around you THIS is exactly what matters!!

  • Liesbeth Boomars

    Thanks for your post an email as well!! Sometimes it’s difficult to let go..

  • Cat

    ~**Keep roaring girl!**~ And in the great words of Steve McQueen, “When I believe in something, I fight like hell for it.” And you are. Everyday. So first of all do not let the negative “pile of doo doo” comments worry you concerning the Be Here Now Documentary. Like many have said, it takes time and tremendous effort to create something so delicate as what was Andy’s wishes for his and your family’s journey on film. And we all deeply appreciate the openness, and the lessons within that you will share with the world when we see.

    So with that said here is a little funny, distressing thing me and my sisters do to let go of all the aggravations of life that may come in handy on a day when you just gotta vent… Corny, yes, but once a year we hop in the car, drive through Starbucks and grab the biggest frappuccinno that could put you in a caffeine super laughing spell, then drive down our favorite town street. We roll down the windows, let that wind make crazy hair and we scream one big scream and laugh til we’re all out of breath. HA…works every time. :D

    Thank you again for your honest words and guidance here. You are helping so many people learn how to live again.

  • Rivke

    Perfectly articulated! So very warming that you have freely opened up to us about where you are at in this crazy journey we call life. I think what I love so much about MMQ and your sharing, and you as a person, is that you are just you. You just put it all out there. You make us think but more importantly you make us relate, and understanding and relating makes us feel less alone and more part of something bigger. Feeling connected (in a non creepy stalker way) to someone who admits to not being perfect all the time, who like all of us makes typos or forgets how old we are, although I tend to say Im younger, ;) , it is the beauty in all this. It makes it easier to take your words and lessons and work with them when you know it is coming from someone who has to do deal with the good and the crap side of life.

    Anyways Im so tired I forgotten what my point is…was something about not being so hard on yourself and being a bit lost but finding your path again…..Im sure Ill remember in the morning….so ummmmm…..GO QLD!!

  • Will

    Beautifully said! I can only imagine what you’ve gone through, but you’ve defined it wonderfully. Follow and trust your heart, and everything else will work itself out

  • Marvel

    You and I are living parallel lives.
    I too lost my love too soon.
    I too have been in a relationship for the last 18 mos. that has been a struggle.
    I have let go and am now finding the clarity.
    I thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts with us.
    Oh, and I’m also a Gemini.
    Love always

  • Stephen

    Dear Vashti, I’ve missed you, your inspiring words, and the quirkiness. I see your incredible pictures on Instagram. Thank you for sharing these incredible photos of you cubs and your life experiences. It’s funny that you should mention “Letting it Go.” As I have had a rough time letting things go, so this year’s New Year’s resolution was to let things go, but I’m still struggling with it. I identify it, and recognize it, but I don’t always let things go.

    Ever since I’ve discovered Spartacus, which was quite recent, late May 2013 as I don’t have Starz. I got the DVDs at the library and watched the series numerous times over. Then I discovered your incredibly talented husband, Andy, read his story, which after research brought me to this page. You have given the MMQ community the drive and inspiration to look at things in a different way and shed some light on our own growing, living and learning, sharing, etc.

    A very dear friend of mine at the gym, was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, here in MA, USA, and she gone for intense treatment, and has been cleared.

    I hope the move went well for the MMQ headquarters and that we will be seeing you soon. I did read that the film “Be Here Now” is developing nicely and we should see this monumental documentary soon. It will be most difficult to see Andy again, then again it will be such a treasure to all of us.

    I hope that you will be able and available to some Spreecasts soon as well.

    Great to have you back Vashti. You were deeply missed.
    My best to you, Jesse, & Indigo (Happy Belated Birthday)
    Hugs always,
    Stephen

  • Francine

    Vashti, I am happy to read that you are finding a way through this part of your life. Love your ‘rambling’ process of figuring out where to go and what to do since I do it myself, only you DO find your way out. Take care, stay strong and live your life to its fullest. Looking forward to more life changing posts from you.

  • Juliana Choe

    I am always inspired by your self assessment and insight! What a wonderful gift…I work hard each day to go with the flow rather than fighting and forcing things to work out (which by the way leaves me frustrated and exhausted). Thanks for the drunken kiss!! XOXO back at you!

  • AnnaJensen

    I have never left a comment on a forum before but after reading your post I felt compelled! It was such a good read and has inspired me so much. I could relate to so much of what you wrote and just wanted to say thanks!

  • Sarah

    Thanks for this post (and the newsletter). It came just when I needed it. I’m glad you’re back.

  • danielle_b_28

    We’ve missed you!
    I know I’m one who struggles to see the long-term and allows myself to get bogged down in the chaos of the everyday. Earlier this year I started to feel unhappy and for what I felt was no reason in particular… I was just feeling fed up and exhausted. This for me was a defining moment because I knew straight away that I had plenty to be thankful, happy and proud of but I just couldn’t get out of my funk! :(
    I decided that I needed to clear my head and decided to start writing things down at the end of each day… To list the good things and the bad things from that day to hopefully prove to myself just how silly my little sulk was!
    A family member told me she was giving up something for lent and, knowing that I am rubbish when it comes to committing to things (especially giving something up!) I decided to look at making a different kind of commitment! I challenged myself to write my thoughts and feelings down every day for 40 days… And somehow I did it! It felt like having a goal written down and having daily “evidence” of how well I was doing with my personal challenge made me all the more determined to follow through with it.
    So good luck with your 30 day writing challenge and with moving on and letting go … Looking forward to more ramblings from your wonderful mind! xx

  • Karen

    We love you right back Vasti!! :) As always beautiful and inisghtful.

  • Sally T.

    What’s insulting is when a disrespectful commenter spews vitriol all over someone’s labour of love. Be Here Now is done when Vashti and the filmmaking team say it’s done. There are no hard and fast rules around release dates for films and none was ever promised for this one. But since you indicated you have no desire to see the film, you shouldn’t care so much about when it’s released.

    • madeleine

      Oh Wow! I agree with you Sally! Since when did creativity come in the form of a mold!? surely not every film is the same. The Be Here Now documentary is very special to us all and deserves all of the time it needs to honor our beloved Andy. I am insulted that I have to come on to my favorite blog and read someones post telling the owner of the blog what to write and not write about. Please, no trolls allowed!

    • Daria

      Well said, Sally!

  • Kristin

    I think Theodore Roosevelt said it best. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his feet shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat.”

  • Kristin

    No apologies necessary. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! You continue to inspire. xo

  • Cat

    Unless one has been there, every… Step. Of. The. Way, on this very special project, one can only
    assume from the outside what is going on behind the “curtain”. This is
    different. So here’s one more line for the quoting party here. Let’s keep focus on what this blog is meant for. Please.

    “The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.”
    ―Leo Tolstoy,

    War and Peace

  • Susan_Mangan

    Thanks for this very honest and inspiring piece vashti. As humans letting go can be one of the hardest things in the world to do and knowing we need to let go of something while not being able to do it can lead us all to a very frustrating place, a place where we can all be a little hard on ourselves. when sometimes when we give ourselves a little break it all just falls into place. So thanx vashti for this little boost. and welcome back Lady !!!

  • Sarah

    Love this post Vashti! You continue to inspire me! Xxx

  • Penny Douglas

    Those of us who have loved Andy from the moment we saw him on Spartacus and have come to love his beautiful family as well, know that it is a very fragile and gentle, beautiful as well as special thing to be a part of. For those of us who have this special bond with Vashti, we all are happy to wait for the film to be released. Smaller independent films do take time and it is not Vashti’s fault as to how long it is taking or not. It will be ready soon and we will all buy it as soon as it is on DVD. It is something that I for one will cherish and hold personally in my home because Andy & his family live in my heart always. Please don’t speak to Vashti in this way, as it screams rude, hateful, and very hurtful to not only her but Andy’s memory, and hurtful to all who love them. Along with that, we love and support Andy’s family and always will, with a great love and care.

  • Julia Peric

    Vashti! Please forgive him, ’cause he doesn’t know what he’s doing ;) .

  • Terri

    I continue to be absolutely floored at the ridiculous and incredible rudeness of internet posters….someone I might point out no one has any idea who you are but you have left a very sour taste in my mouth! Have you no self respect as well as respect for the people you are speaking to? Whether you are in this business or not, which at this point I doubt, you certainly are not representing them in a very good light in any way shape or form. Plus, this is not a project that you yourself are working on so don’t pretend that you KNOW what is going on. YOU do not sir or madam, which personally right now is not exactly the way I would prefer to address you,but, I do have some respect so I will do so. Ironically, none of us here have any idea who YOU are so my faith is put in the person who tirelessly works on this blog and the ones who have worked on this film. There is such a thing called “faith” in people and projects, something of which you apparently are severely lacking in, among other things. Let me add, Ms. Lilibet Foster DOES give updates quite frequently I might add….if you are a member of the Facebook page and the email subscription. Talk about disrespectful. I have just read the highest form of it. Please do not speak for me or anyone else who have supported this film. I would never want someone as the likes of you doing so. Vashti, please do not “listen” to this…you are soooooo much better so I hope you will not take this in the way it apparently was intended. Also I am sorry and apologize to the other “respectful” posters on this page. I normally try not to react to post of this natur,but, I simply could not help myself. Everyone else, Vashti, may you all have a wonderful day!

  • Laz

    Dear Vashti , thanks for another great post and for sharing with us your life, your are a very strong person who has giving me so much with your work ,my life today it’s better and I eternally grateful for that , what is coming to your life is because it’s mean to be, so patient and take day by day as you said it so many times before, and don’t forget that you and Andy are a life changer for so many people. and there is no doubt about Be here now documentary. you will be the first person to let us know when is ready, I’m completely positive about that, I love you work and your family as well, lots of love ….:)

  • Caro

    Vashti…surfers say “Paddle less, drift more.” As long as your board is in the water (and you are on the board)…a wave will come. Sometimes you have to wait for it. This is the ultimate act of faithful patience. Warm love, Caro

  • Daria

    Raluca, I had to take a few minutes to calm down after reading your negative words, as not to ramble negatively as you did. First, you are tactless and rude. If you were a person of any class at all, if you have followed Vashti from the beginning and truly understood her journey, or read every single one of her posts, you would not have written these words. It breaks my heart at the thought of her reading what you wrote. We all have love, respect and understanding for Vashti and her work, and you are welcome to exit out of this amazing community, if you cannot be respectful. I have a lot more to say, but it wouldn’t be very nice.

  • Daria

    Vashti, just want to say that I’m with you every step of the way! First, in my opinion, you don’t owe us anything! I’m so grateful for coming across your blog, because it, you, changed my life for the better. Whatever you share with us, here or on instagram and facebook I’m just so happy to have the opportunity to read and be a part of. Please don’t stress over how often you post or how long it is. You should do what feels right to you, because it never disappoints. Take care of those beautiful cubs. Enjoy your new office and make it your own. We are here.

    P.S I got myself a little bracelet and ‘positivity’ charm. Just a little something, when I look at it to remind me the state of mind I want to be in…..just as when reading your blog xxx
    Dasha

  • Virginie

    You words speak to me, they always do. Thank you for sharing with us your thoughts, and never be afraid of what we could think because of your absence : you are in our hearts and we wouldn’t dare judge you in any way. That’s said, I am happy to read you again.
    Lots of love.
    Virginie.

  • Dawn Wells

    Thankyou Vashti ! Lovely words much needed. Lots of love to you xx

  • me

    keeping it real is all you have to do to live here now and to have what you want. just remember to keep it real and you will be fine. we all sense when you are not and it leaves an after taste that will not encourage good energy to be sent your way. its the law of attraction. we cannot fool the universe.