Something happened to me very recently and I’m not quite sure how to describe it. But rather than remain silent as I have been or blind and blocked as to how to piece it all together, I’m just going to ramble a little and hopefully, clarity will come. So if you are willing to stumble around with me like the last drunk on the dance floor, and don’t expect too much other than that, please read on.
Over the past few months, I had started to find myself waking up every morning feeling anxious. After rushing the cubs out the door and then arriving at the office feeling agitated, I’d start my work day worrying about what I should do, instead of playfully creating, without any attachment to the outcome, on the work I most wanted to do.
The beautiful office space that I had envisioned for MMQ HQ was becoming something that I had to maximise the use of just to justify paying the rent. And I found myself filling it with people and projects that weren’t aligned with either my intention, my purpose or even the core and very fundamental basic values I hold dear: like living daily with purpose, with passion and as much creativity as possible.
I began physically feeling really quite average in my daily moulded position: cross-legged, arms tilted over a keyboard and head overly-fogged with a blur of confusion. I began substituting daily physical activity with mental gymnastic exercises comprised of freaking out about whether or not I achieved enough social media interaction and if what I was doing was viable in a business context. My focus was becoming something so far removed from how I usually choose to live my life that I literally felt like I was coming unstuck. Not to mention other than my amazing clients, everything I was working on, felt like a one sided conversation, which never works with a bonkers Gemini and or someone who doesn’t really come to life unless she is in the flow of a juicy conversation.
I started to become reactive and deeply concerned by such things as the odd forwarded email from a doubting and disgruntled Be Here Now supporter whose expectation was that a feature length film should have been finished by now. And then, as a by-product and worse still, had me become impatient, abrupt and obnoxious on my calls with the amazing director and producer, who’ve been working tirelessly, generously and passionately to create a legacy piece that, when it is ready, will not only inspire us all, but honour my man.
You get my drift right? Somehow I was getting so caught up in such a negative track of thought that everything around me was becoming a ‘should’ instead of my usual, ‘that feels right, so I’ll DO IT’ attitude and quite honestly I, and I imagine a number of people around me, were not really enjoying the person I was being.
What was strange about where I found myself was that, somewhere in me, I recognised having been here before, kind of like a feeling of déjà vu, or hearing a familiar song play, that in matter of seconds has you start to feel a sense of unease, reminding you of a time and place that you rather NOT go back to. I don’t think it was a particular point I was remembering but more than a very familiar feeling that seemed to instantaneously stop me in my tracks. The tracks that Andy, my other half, my missing piece, would have pointed out in a second. Just as he would have gently hugged me and said, half laughing and half whispering,
‘VASTI, (which is what he called me, intentionally pronouncing my name wrong as so many people do, knowing that it would instantaneously illicit a smile from me.) What are you doing, you idiot?
Get out of your head and get back into your LIFE, the real one, the one that is unfolding right in front of you. Not that self-made madness that overthinking does to you!’
Over a year ago I wrote a piece about letting a relationship go. A very beautiful relationship but one that I was not only absolutely NOT ready for, but also one that due to the beauty and kindness of its offering, had me repeatedly drawn back to it, despite my intuitive knowledge and on going feeling that I didn’t want to be there.
The problem was, and still is, with regard to all forms of relationships for me, that despite however lovely something may appear, or the enormous potential it may have, if it is not aligned with my fundamental approach to living life, it often leaves me struggling and flailing, like a fish slowly suffocating out of water and as I gulp for the air that I am used to breathing my ability to deal with the day to day, with an intuitive and trusting approach, seems to disappear in the enormous effort it takes just to breathe.
And I guess what I haven’t shared with you is that I have gone back and forth with that relationship, metaphorically speaking, in an unhealthy and often unkind way, where despite my knowledge that it most certainly does not bring out the best of me and therefore impacts my thinking, feeling an doing in a reactive, stifled and often almost angry way, I still talk myself into how I could make it work, if I were to just give it one more chance.
Well, much like that relationship, so much of what I have been doing and creating and delivering over the last year had what seemed so much potential, so much love and so much possibility, but somewhere and somehow was build within a landscape that I find almost impossible to navigate. And, like an unexpected door slammed shut in your face, had me reactively bolt in the other direction, or worse still, find myself frozen, like an overloaded hard drive.
Here it is beautiful people, my moment of clarity. Just like my first little post over 2 years ago where I committed to creating, sharing and learning all that I can in life, just for the fun of it and because, unlike the gorgeous Lion of my pride, I get to be here, so why the hell not make it worth it and something that you love versus just tolerate.
So today I recommit to living in the moment, while holding my gaze on the horizon of MY choice. I shall stop worrying about whether it’s financially viable, whether it can become a business, if it’s properly edited, how many ‘likes’ it has, if it’s strategically planned properly to make it work as a book and any other random and unnecessary thoughts I seemed to have let get in the way of what I intended for this next chapter of mine, yours and ours.
In early June I will close what has been a strange year and in fact one of the toughest so far, but in retrospect, one that has been loaded with insight. I have tried so very hard this year to make so many things work, when deep inside, I have known when there is push involved and an absence of breath, that something is not aligned.
Letting go is the moral of this messy little story. LET GO of something if you know it no longer brings you joy. Or better still, let go of the belief that you must struggle to make it work and the rest ……….will follow.
So once again, I apologise for my absence and for my self-indulgent disappearance. I hope you’ll join me moving forward as we ALL aspire to letting go of the thoughts; that like a distorted fun-fair mirror, make us see things with about as much accuracy as my spelling. And that after reading this you will consider that just because something can work, it doesn’t mean that you have to make it work.
And I thank you yet again with a rather revolting sloppy kiss from the drunk you began the dance with, at the beginning of this post, for your patience, your presence and for listening to me blather on as I water the drought that has temporarily starved me of my number one passion and the desire to share and bare all, with the intention to live, love and learn all that there is from the one crazily little precious life we have!
Nothing but love …