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The Maybe McQueen Blog

I’m back in the wonderful world of Sydney, the city that has and always will offer up the most wonderful soul soothing combination of city, land and ocean- scape’s, that allow me to feel like I’m aligned with all the different aspects of myself.

One of the many incredible things that I have learned since losing Andy but have only recently been able to put words to, is that when you lose someone you love, the NEED to connect with certain people and to be in and around certain places, becomes not only an integral part of the support structures needed to learn to walk again, meaning what it actually takes to learn to be in the world without that person being physically in your life.

But so too do those important people and familiar places, re -connect you with your missing piece, your missing person and afford the necessary amount of sticky glue needed, to have the dual realities that you are now living, the before and after, as I call it, of the life that you once shared together, coupled with the rather surreal of the NOW and the new life you are trying to lead, work strangely, but very necessarily in parallel.

Its like a new house, with an old chair, where there are new beginnings in every room and from time -to – time and maybe even several times a days at the beginning, you will need to sit alone in the old chair and as the future unfolds around you regardless, the arms of the old chair consistently hold you tight, reminding you of you were, who you are and who you will be….with and with out them, before and after.

Being able to be at the ocean, work in the buzz of a beautiful city and stand amongst such wide and open spaces, while still feeling that you are part of a vibrant, dynamic city, is key for me right now in order to exist without constantly wishing myself somewhere else. But even more than that, Sydney to me is the place where Andy and I lived, loved and finally let go of each other and the space where my before and afters, are able continue to exist in parallel.

Thank you as always for your contribution and keep posting below, because when you take the time to write you add value, influence and support to the MMQ community and of course, me.



Nothing but love…




  • Daniel

    Then I need to build my own old chair out of the pieces on the ground that are getting in the way of even entering the house! Then I think things can resume in their natural way and flow or order.

    Perfectly stated on your end, perfectly absorbed on mine.

    Thank you for the simple but needed clarity. Cheers dear lady.


  • Joleneplatt

    I have not read it but I know I love it already!
    I have never believed in fate as much as I do today right now!
    Vashti, it feels like you hand picked me to write to. I didn’t have to tell you what it is that happened and how much I needed your advice on this subject but there it was posted for me as I dreaded going to bed because of that I between time from when you get into bed and when you actually fall asleep.
    I’ll post after I read it but from the bottom of my heart I thank you for the good nights rest I’m going to have finally!
    Lots of love and light sent your way.

  • Mark

    I live in the UK but travel to California for business regularly. Yesterday I went to Manhattan Beach to meet old old friend I haven’t seen for years. After parking I saw a beautiful girl dressed in vibrant colors holding balloons, a photographer was positioning her and taking shots. As she turned slightly to my direction I could see a sign she was holding, it said ‘Be Here Now’. I stood for what seemed like an eternity watching while also battling with the parking meter. After they left I met with my old friend and made some new ones. When the sun went down hundreds of people gathered in the streets to take photos of the sun as is set in the Pacific, I was among them. I battle my demons with increasing regularity but today the world felt right and I was at piece. I have no doubt the demons will return and once more battle will commence, but today is not that day. A life was saved again today, my life. I decided to ‘Be Here Now’.


    • Penny Douglas

      Hey Mark, this is a beautiful message you have written and I want to thank you for sharing it. Keep pressing forward and keep those demons at bay. I know how you feel as I too have these different things that I battle but it is so nice when those things can be silenced and far away from us and a nice and beautiful, peaceful experience can be had. I am so glad you had that. Also, how awesome and lucky was that, that you see a beautiful and colorful gal, and of all things, she had a Be Here Now sign in her hand. That was meant to be for you and for her apparently. Bless you and take care. Vashti has an incredible way of writing and she gets us to thinking about our lives and living to the fullest. Thanks to Vashti as well. <3

  • Stephen

    Vashti, it is a heart-wrenching experience to lose the one you loved. At the same time, it’s a conflict of having to be in the now and able to move forward, while holding onto the precious memories of the past. Perhaps keeping those comfortable memories of what you had, will give you and others the strength and comfort of moving forward. Not an easy task; especially when you found the one. Grief comes in waves and there will be progress and set-backs along the way. I guess one must go with the flow, while keeping those memories of the past, while moving forward in your future.
    “Be Here Now!”
    Lots of love and hugs

  • Sally T.

    This is a really grounded and thoughtful piece. I’ve been living in a place where I feel a disconnect that means a constant state of flux between flight and fight. Which is exhausting as much for me as those around me. I feel like I don’t even have a comfy chair to sit in: more like I’ve been standing forever, shifting from one sore leg to the other. A change not far off, which is comforting to know, and better late than never.

  • Susana Matos Nunes

    As most of times your words came at the right momment and they make all sence to me… You make me realise all the “before and after”. I mean, I’m not the same now after than I was before. After being mum I cannot be the same I was after. My relashionship with my dad will never be the same after he leave us than it was before, when he was my example and inspiration as person, father, man… As my family wil never be the same either; we before were strong and together, now after we are all broken. I’ll never be the same after my niece’s cancer as I was before, it make me realise that we must stop value stupid things and what really matter…
    I’ll never be the same after Andy and you “enter in my life” as I was before…
    And that old chair… Ooohhh, how much I love it and love to sit in it to live trought the memoty of times when I was a happy, innocent kidand have many cherish people gone now!
    Thank you once again for your words directly from your heart, that means a lot to me!
    Still here. Love, respect… Hug, kiss… XXX

  • Gina Thompson

    It’s so painful losing those we love. What you said just touches that bone in me that aches when I think of losing someone close to me. I guess because it’s sort of final, well, physically anyway. Just know that you are loved dear Vashti. You’re always loved.

  • Penny Douglas

    Dearest Vashti, so happy you are back in your lovely Sydney and where you and the babies feel so comfy and cozy, peaceful and content. You have been on my mind so long as I think of you guys so much and wonder how you are doing, As always, I send you my love and best wishes.

    I know how you feel about being somewhere that you feel the most content and at home. I felt that way about the city that I came to love and feel the closest to Heaven I have ever felt, and that was in Phoenix. I left there, my son and I, 6 years ago, and I have not been able to feel right again. I have this yearning for the peace and zen like atmosphere that you describe and I surely do miss it all the time. I feel disconnected and not myself. I can’t seem to get a grip and I feel like I am just existing, not flourishing, just in survival mode. I really don’t like it and I hope that my son and I can break free of this very soon. He feels the same way that I do. I am very limited on things that I personally can do, due to my chronic illness, but looking at the mountains and the beauty always made me feel so good. Where I am now, in Louisiana, is in a very small town, very dull, and no stimulation with things to do, etc. It’s hard to describe in the way that you describe but I hope you can get my meaning. I won’t ever give up, but I surely do have plans to get out of here as soon as I can.
    I am so happy that you are home and able to feel that “glue” that you are talking about to ground you and keep you thriving. There is nothing that can make up for Andy’s not being there but I know he is watching over you all. My biggest hugs & love to you sweetie. Love, Penny <3

  • millie

    i think that when two sould are so deeply attached, they will always reunit again, in some way or another. You and Andy are surely two precious souls meant to be together.
    Lots of love to you Vashti and you wonderful family.

  • AmandaF

    This post really moved me Vashti, as do most of your posts but this one really spoke to me. My brother passed away suddenly many years ago however I find it’s the little things that keep him close and I love your analogy of the old chair in the new house. I’ve moved several times since his death and yet he is still with me because of silly little things like the dvd movie he gave me for Christmas one year. Sadly I’ve forgotten the sound of his laughter now, it is too faint in my memory to recall but the joy I felt because of his laugh is still there.

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