My alarm went off this morning way before the sun came up and even before the birds began to sing. And after a quick hot water and ‘morning breath be gone’ brush of the teeth, I sat down with a head full of inspiring ideas and began eagerly tapping away on my keypad, passionately ready to embrace all that this day had to offer.

But before you start vomiting all over yourself with the sickly sweet tone of the post so far, you might want to read on.

I think I actually got perhaps a paragraph in, lost for a moment in my grandmother’s attic and all the she kept hidden safely away (it, of course, being an opening metaphor for the things we hold onto from our past) and then in came a sleepy Indi, followed by a deep-voiced Jesse and finally the malting cat, Narnia. And before you could say, ‘I haven’t even had my coffee yet!’ our little family’s morning mayhem began and my laptop remained untouched.

Today was the day I was to close off all the frustrating aspects of moving office and manage the admin side of my business, which I’m absolutely and quite totally useless at. It also became the day where the automated phone systems of every utility company and telecommunications service that I use stole several hours of my life as I waited to get put though, to then be transferred, to then have to spell out seventeen times…

‘V A S H T I, yes W H I T F I E L D, no not Whitefield, yes Maybe McQUEEN, yes two e’s, yes it’ss a business account’ and trying with absolute commitment to close off my existing accounts and have all loose ends managed before I head off to the UK for a whirlwind week of work in early June.

I spent nearly 2 hours trying to achieve a couple of very straightforward things and achieved neither. Dark was the shade of the cloud that began hovering over me and yes, you’re right in thinking that I not only sounded like him but so too had started to look like Gollum at this point: kind of half-human, half-creature and if you’ve seen my feet, quite clearly, part Hobbit, too.

The moment I stepped into the office, remembering all the love I had poured into it, but now all moved out, I was filled with the deep sense of disappointment. My mind became stuffed full with the sheer weight of my overwhelm, not unlike the aftermath of viewing an unexpectedly bad movie, not the feel-good film one had expected, I became devastated by the ridiculous onslaught of emotions  that I allowed to suddenly engulf me. And I began to let all the things occurring around me, begin to shape my perspective on how I was looking at my life, despite knowing that it’s what is going on inside that is causing the storm. .

Now given what a powerful little woman I am, you have to imagine the rabbit hole I was allowing myself to go down at this point and the landslide of thoughts that was beginning to slam into my whole state of being. My reality was suddenly feeling very challenging and so therefore I began seeing things very differently, allowing my thoughts to become filled with doubt and a subsequent sense of fear. About everything.

Why am I letting this office go? Will the kids be okay without me for 9 days? Why do I live so far away from my best friends and my family? Why I am doing all of this alone? Am I really going to be able to support the kids? What if something happens to me? Should I sell the car? 

However, the way I work these days and one of the most amazing support strategies for dealing with loss, challenge and/or fear, is all about having the awareness to know that your thoughts are either working for you or against you, and that you and you alone have to be responsible for changing your mind, if the latter has taken over.

So I stopped what I was doing, walked out of the office, called a friend (and whined and bitched about the challenge of our evolving world) and forced myself to share what it was that I was most attached to and why it was that I was actually feeling so overwhelmed.

I laughed, I cried and I got myself back to a place where my mind, my thoughts and the way I was feeling had me able to once again create my next move instead of reacting to my thoughts and the chain of events today, that will of course be completely different from tomorrow.

Change your mind, change your thoughts and the rest will follow…

 

 

  • Penny Douglas

    Dearest Vashti, as a women who has had many of these same questions come up in my life, I know how you feel dear. I just want to say that I love you and I know that whatever you decide and wherever you go, I have no doubts that you will always make it and do well. You are a very amazing and savvy lady and you’re someone that I totally relate with. :) Forge ahead my dear and Enjoy all you do, you and the littles. Love always, Penny <3 <3

    • Stephen

      Great words Penny. I do the same with the questions Vashti asks sometimes in that mood. Thanks for listening to me too Penny.

  • Penny Douglas

    Vashti, one of the songs I think of you when I hear is Turning Tables by Adele, as some of the things she says really touch my very soul and I know you can relate to as well. She has such a very powerful and beautiful, soul stirring voice. Many of the things she sings about remind me of you and Andy, as well as my own self for sure. just thought I would add that for you today. Love & hugs. Penny

  • Kristin

    Greetings to you in beautiful Australia. You are in the process of changing that which is not working. I am as well. Encouraging others in our daily challenges is what makes the world go around. You are on the right track by changing your thought processes. I think your work trip in June will be beneficial to your inner well-being as it will provide an opportunity to reassess that which is important to you (even if it’s between appointments!)…You’ve got this, Vashti!

  • Laz

    Vasti as a woman and mother I have those moments of fears , but that’s life. you will be just fine back on track do what you love and never forget that no only your family but we need you to make how life better. you got this girl. lots of love for you and your beautiful cubs …:).

  • Cat

    I hope this helps? Not sure if you were asking us to aid in your questions but here goes. *Dives in*.

    Why am I letting this office go? Do what you feel is right. Keep your head up. It’s true – change can be unsettling, but don’t let it cause you to dwell in the reasons. There are many doors of opportunities along the road of life. Closing one doesn’t mean it all ends there. Smile for what it is/was/continues to be, and press on to the next door. :)

    Will the kids be okay without me for 9 days? Being away from your little ones will be hard. Maybe get them to work on one gnarly Welcome Home Mommy banner for you when you get back. :) That way it might take away a little of the separation anxieties they’ll feel. Also, your cubs will be so super proud of the hard work they put into it for you they’ll probably be dreaming of what your face will look like when you see it!!

    Why do I live so far away from my best friends and my family? Life events brings you to many different places. Smile for the reasons that is has.

    Why I am doing all of this alone? *Psst*…Always remember that Andy is beside you, always loving you and your cubs. Always. And sometimes it is the !strongest! and sometimes stubborn :) person that may not know how simply …to ask for help. And most often they forget the most profound support is just a, “Okay,” and cue the deep *breath*, ~”Ineedyourhelp”~. Four little words. And you’ll never know how many people want to help, in any way possible, but they too may be afraid of asking you, “Do YOU need help? Because they don’t want you to feel like your weak or that they are interfering in your very life.

    Am I really going to be able to support the kids? You have an amazing talented heart that is reaching out and helping guide so many across towns, cities, the world… SO many. Everyday. :) There are boundless avenues that can excel from your experience and passions. Keep it burning!

    What if something happens to me? We all fear that. We all think about it. You don’t want to have to make these plans and as morbid as it may sound, it’s a good thing to have things in order. Trust your close friends and connecting family. Don’t be afraid to talk about the tough stuff. We’ve all been there. It’s another part of life, one that does make you sick just thinking of it. Grrr…..

    Should I sell the car? Last resort and downsizing this day in age happens all the time. And remember, public transportation is used everyday. It’s there for everyone. :)

    So,… here’s hoping this has helped in someway no matter how small. Lord knows it can’t compare to the insight you’ve given us here. Thank you.

    As Dori says in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimmin’…

    • Carolyjavi

      Beautiful!!! I hope it helps Vashti because it has helped me!! Thank you Cat.

      • Cat

        Aww :) Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad my post was helpful to you.

        Take care!

    • Stephen

      Excellent suggestions and advice. It really helped me too

      • Cat

        Hi Stephen. I appreciate that. Happy you could take something from it. :) *high five*

  • Carolyjavi

    Dear Vashti, your fears are the fears that we all have sometimes. But YOU have learnt us how to turn them into positive thoughts. Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing it really well dear V. Your children will be all right, you will miss them but it will be great when you come back and give them a big hug, i am sure you need some space alone (i need it many times and i only have one cub). New office will be better, i am sure of that, because you are a strong and talented woman. And YES, you will be able to support your cubs as you are doing it now, we see it everyday in your pics Vashti!!! Always remember that if you need help just ask for it….MMQ Community is here!!! Kisses lovely

  • Teresa

    My beloved daughter is facing some similar challenges … The man she thought she would be spending the rest of her life with.. Has maybe 2 yrs left… She is 28, he is 34, brilliant funny handsome, outgoing… Like my beautiful daughter , but instead of choosing to spend those precious years by her side he pushed her out and away deciding to be a martyr tell no one and go it almost alone, they having been dealing with this for almost a year now he pushed her away almost 8 mos ago, told her to move on , go have a life….. she did everything to change his mind and stay by his side to no avail. She is a strong young woman, but this was something I was afraid she would not come out on the other side of doing well… She has somewhat , but she to is getting ready to move across country away from close friends and family, me, and what I consider her strong support system. She has a dream to be a pilot and is going to go pursue that dream and make a complete change… one we both agree she needs. Her grandparents will be kinda of close and her younger brother will be moving 30 miles from her soon. When I read your post this morning Vashti I thought…. I need to send her to ” YOU” …. I think she could benefit so much from your posts and wisdom, I wish I had done it sooner! Maybe I was being selfish and keeping you all to myself.. Lol… I hope she will share and communicate with you.. So my dear Vashti I will be sharing your site this morning with one of my most beloved things on this planet…. My daughter… Much love….

  • michelbarreau

    il est normal de se remettre toujours en question surtout quand on est selule avec des enfants mais moi j ai confiance en vous car vous savez gere allez vashti ne perdez pas pied

  • michelbarreau

    BISOUS DE FRANCE

  • Naty

    You’re a strong woman! Never go down arms. I wish I could have half the courage and strength that you have! Greetings from Argentina!

  • mimi81

    <3

  • AmandaF

    Although we have never met, you have helped me many times Vashti so please know that you are not alone and if ever you need anything, I am here for you.