My alarm went off this morning way before the sun came up and even before the birds began to sing. And after a quick hot water and ‘morning breath be gone’ brush of the teeth, I sat down with a head full of inspiring ideas and began eagerly tapping away on my keypad, passionately ready to embrace all that this day had to offer.
But before you start vomiting all over yourself with the sickly sweet tone of the post so far, you might want to read on.
I think I actually got perhaps a paragraph in, lost for a moment in my grandmother’s attic and all the she kept hidden safely away (it, of course, being an opening metaphor for the things we hold onto from our past) and then in came a sleepy Indi, followed by a deep-voiced Jesse and finally the malting cat, Narnia. And before you could say, ‘I haven’t even had my coffee yet!’ our little family’s morning mayhem began and my laptop remained untouched.
Today was the day I was to close off all the frustrating aspects of moving office and manage the admin side of my business, which I’m absolutely and quite totally useless at. It also became the day where the automated phone systems of every utility company and telecommunications service that I use stole several hours of my life as I waited to get put though, to then be transferred, to then have to spell out seventeen times…
‘V A S H T I, yes W H I T F I E L D, no not Whitefield, yes Maybe McQUEEN, yes two e’s, yes it’ss a business account’ and trying with absolute commitment to close off my existing accounts and have all loose ends managed before I head off to the UK for a whirlwind week of work in early June.
I spent nearly 2 hours trying to achieve a couple of very straightforward things and achieved neither. Dark was the shade of the cloud that began hovering over me and yes, you’re right in thinking that I not only sounded like him but so too had started to look like Gollum at this point: kind of half-human, half-creature and if you’ve seen my feet, quite clearly, part Hobbit, too.
The moment I stepped into the office, remembering all the love I had poured into it, but now all moved out, I was filled with the deep sense of disappointment. My mind became stuffed full with the sheer weight of my overwhelm, not unlike the aftermath of viewing an unexpectedly bad movie, not the feel-good film one had expected, I became devastated by the ridiculous onslaught of emotions that I allowed to suddenly engulf me. And I began to let all the things occurring around me, begin to shape my perspective on how I was looking at my life, despite knowing that it’s what is going on inside that is causing the storm. .
Now given what a powerful little woman I am, you have to imagine the rabbit hole I was allowing myself to go down at this point and the landslide of thoughts that was beginning to slam into my whole state of being. My reality was suddenly feeling very challenging and so therefore I began seeing things very differently, allowing my thoughts to become filled with doubt and a subsequent sense of fear. About everything.
Why am I letting this office go? Will the kids be okay without me for 9 days? Why do I live so far away from my best friends and my family? Why I am doing all of this alone? Am I really going to be able to support the kids? What if something happens to me? Should I sell the car?
However, the way I work these days and one of the most amazing support strategies for dealing with loss, challenge and/or fear, is all about having the awareness to know that your thoughts are either working for you or against you, and that you and you alone have to be responsible for changing your mind, if the latter has taken over.
So I stopped what I was doing, walked out of the office, called a friend (and whined and bitched about the challenge of our evolving world) and forced myself to share what it was that I was most attached to and why it was that I was actually feeling so overwhelmed.
I laughed, I cried and I got myself back to a place where my mind, my thoughts and the way I was feeling had me able to once again create my next move instead of reacting to my thoughts and the chain of events today, that will of course be completely different from tomorrow.
Change your mind, change your thoughts and the rest will follow…