Imagine if you will, a giant wave, but not of the clean, crisp, smooth type, that would have a passionate and weathered surfer running eagerly towards the ocean. No…… this one is different and can only be described as thick and messy. One that is best observed safely from the sand, with your feet firmly on shore. The is the type of wave that if you choose to dive in, will engulf you whole in its entirety, holding you down and pulling you under, with its vast promise of soon becoming something else, if you are willing to just only paddle a little bit harder and try one more exhausting time to make it work.
In the pit of my stomach the storm begins, stirring up a volatile and angry fury aimed at the rider who thinks he can know me, as I search, flailing, for the one who once glided so beautifully beside me. But just before striking the final blow that will send this vulnerable stranger indefinitely back to shore, I survey, once again, this foreign man who tries so hard to tumble and paddle through my unpredictable waters, never rescinding his tenderness or running away from me, or ever failing to step back up for one last attempt. And then, out of compassion and a longing to make something so gentle be enough for something so wild, I become calm once more, suppressing my passion and power, to feign a calm surface, with which to facilitate his gentle capacity to exist in my world.
As much as I want this beautiful man in my life, as kind, gentle, big and passionate as he is, and as committed, curious and nurturing, as he is towards my cubs, I know from a place deep inside, from a secret room that only I can visit, that he is not the one.
I know right now that so many of you will want to name this as grief, or an unfair comparison, or perhaps me just not being ready, but the name I passionately, sadly and determinedly give it, is intuition: an inner knowing and an uncompromising commitment to walking my next chapter with another soul where our language is shared.
There was a time when, as a single mother, finding a ‘good man’ who would take care of you and be kind to your children was all that you could hope for. But life, love and acceptance have evolved and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts for all involved, being true to myself and allowing the man, who so wants to be there for me, to find the love of someone worthy of him is, for me, the absolute…….
And as I watch the lone surfer walk sadly away, I know in my heart, through a tearful smile that honour, love and life are the foot prints that this beautiful little story leaves behind.