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The Maybe McQueen Blog

For the last 10 days, I have felt a slight tickle, almost a kiss on my cheek, as that all too familiar breeze of the swing door, ( see Swing Door previous post) that opens and closes life as we know it, gently brushes up against me. Its presence leaning in, just hard enough to have my heart lurch into an ache, my thoughts into a longing for the past and my desire to celebrate life, an unfathomable commitment that steers my every day.

On the 13th of October 2007 my beautiful friend Emma passed away, leaving her husband and 2 gorgeous little lovelies, who I have the wonderful privilege to call my godchildren, far behind. As she exited the world, with a little high five as they passed each other on the way, so also began another journey, of a different kind, as my little girl, decided it high time, that she enter into the world.

As I birthed little Indi, there were two other people in the room, my beautiful Andy and my sister -like friend, who would soon not only become Godmother to little Indigo Sky, but also 2 years later, unexpectedly and rather wonderfully, the new partner, parent and matriarch, to my gorgeous god children and Emma’s husband, whose heart was in need of great woman with the capacity to LOVE through dark walls of grief.

Today is our beautiful Andy’s birthday. It is also 5 years since my lovely friend left and 5 years since my baby girl arrived and as a perfect gift from the universe to teach us all that life and its comings and goings, is simply bigger than we can ever understand and just as futile wishing it could be a different way, I have also found out that my beautiful friend is pregnant and that my two godchildren will grow from two to three and their once broken little hearts will burst full again, with the wonderful beat that is a new life.

Before Emma left, just as Andy promised a butterfly, she made sure to tell her girls that whilst not being there to hold them, her spirit would be there in the shape and scent of the Jasmine flower.  This morning as I stepped onto my deck, the Jasmine buds that have been closed tight for weeks, have finally exploded into a sea of white and a scent of something that words cannot begin to describe and fluttering all around, amidst a chorus of ‘ Hi Dad!’ from an excited  Jesse Red and delighted little Indigo Sky, are a ballet of butterflies and a passionate presence from a man that is not so very far away.

So today we shall celebrate LIFE, its comings and goings, beginnings and endings and everything that comes in between….. My love to you all …


  • Rivke

    Blessed Be Vashti! 

  • Theval68

    Beautiful. ….being in this moment

    • KeeleyLoves

      Happy Birthday Andy…a Libran, like me, and well-versed in the ‘in-between’ of the scales; Vashti, may you and the babies always walk in sunshine and know that never have such hearts been better loved. Thinking of you all x  x

  • Diane

    Dearest Vashti, You and your family are always in my thoughts. I have always read all your posts, but this is the first time I have posted anything, while reading your posts I have laughed and also cried. I would really like to say Thank You for sharing your life with us. I would also like to wish Andy a Happy Birthday I know his beautiful blue eyes and gorgeous smile will brighten the sky.

  • Simona

    Bellissime parole dolce Vashti.
    Sono sempre più convinta che le persone a noi speciali non se ne vanno mai definitivamente….
    Basta riconoscere i segni e ascoltare il nostro cuore….
    Dio Vi benedica.
    Un abbraccio.

  • Simona

    Cara Vashti,
    ho dimenticato!!
    Tanti cari auguri alla tua bellissima bambina !!!!
    Con affetto.
    P.S. Ottobre è un mese importante anche per la mia famiglia. Infatti festeggiamo ben 3 compleanni (papà e 2 bimbi)!!!!

  • Pili

    Wonderful!!!!. Universe and its gifts…

    They’re airing “Blood and Sand” here in Spain again. I’m watching an episode at the moment. I haven’t watched one since, well, you know. I was not able to do it and I thought I still wasn’t but here I am watching it. His beautiful face fills the screen. His powerful acting, his everything. It hurts yes, but I feel better in some way. Today, on his birthday, I’m wathcing him shine again, in all his splendor. He will shine forever in my heart, in our hearts.
    Congrats to your friend. It’s a really beautiful story. A new life. I cannot think of anything more amazing.
    Do you remember when I wrote about my big plan for life?. Well, I hope to have as wonderful news as your friend’s, in a couple of months. Pray for me, cross your fingers, whatever!!!….I need all the positve thoughts and vibrations!!!!.

    Vashti, keep inspiring us with your wonderful blog. Love you and the littles <3 <3 <3

  • Ella

    Happy birthday Andy!
    I love you Vashti –
    Kisses all round – I can almost smell the jasmine from cold old London town!

  • Mindy

    So beautiful and touching……x

  • Penny Douglas

    Love to you all too Vashti! Andy’s Birthday is being celebrated and honored around the world and a very special honor is being given to him in Capua, Italy, where he will forever be immortalized there! Huge Hugs my dear!! xoxox <3 

  • Irenemahon

    wow that was awesome vashti life is surely a wonderful thing so many ups so many downs ….our loved ones are still here they never leave ……everything is done for a purpose you are a wonderful lady with beautiful children a real legacy from you and Andy…..i will raise a glass to Andy today and wish him a BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY.were ever you are 1 place you will be is in my heart …all of you ……big hugs love mumma bear

  • Liana

    Lovely Vashti, a Toast to Andy on his birthday and much, much love on whatever Dimension he might be today..Truly, life is extraordinary!  I have  come to feel you and those lovely Littles  as part of my family. Give little Indigo a big, belated Birthday hug from me! Much love

  • Sally T

    Happy birthday, Andy. And love to you too, Vashti. 

  • Millie

    WOW! I love it.  How gorgeous.  Kisses to all xxxxxx

  • S B

    Happy Birthday Brother

  • LoriK64

    It’s life just amazing Vashti? As are you my Dear. Love to you, the Littles, your lovely departed friend and the one and only Andy. I raise a glass to you all…Cheers!

  • Tleefent

    He was such a wonderful man..husband and father…I only know that because of what I could see on my own..but it was made very clear to me that he most truly was. The mind can often take us so very far away from the present…it is in turn a gift to have those memories exist in our hearts to comfort us and make us laugh, and cry, during the present and they will be with us always. May you continue to celebrate Andy’s beautiful past presence and his gorgeous life and the light that always was shining around him brightening up so many others days.  It is tough losing those we love so much,but, it wouldn’t be so tough if they were so special in our lives so for that we can always be so gracious to have had it. Thanks for sharing today on a day filled with so many emotions and memories and heavy thoughts. He brought a lot of people together in more ways than you may realize and we have gotten to know you so much better too…which has been a gift!

  • Tleefent

    Happy Birthday Andy! We celebrate you!

  • Beth Forrester

    Such a beautiful blog in many ways, filled with so much love! This just warmed my heart and and put a smile on my face….a perfect story for me to slumber to as I think about Andy on this special day and all the positive effect he had on so many people’s lives, and you have to Vashti! Again, thank you being so generous and sharing with us all these incredible personal stories and your works of inspiration xx

  • ChloeHasMadHair

    What is the affirmation, the lesson, the magic, the sand in your toes, the puff of an exploding dandelion, the soft pink belly of a wriggling puppy, the hand held, the touch given ….. it is to BE HERE NOW. Love to Andy for teaching me that and love to Vashti and Jesse and Indigo for the jasmine and butterflies that are held in their hearts. XX Chloe

  • Gholbrook

    I can just feel the love of all of these beautiful lives you mention in your post, wrapped around each other, all entwined.  You are learning the secrets of LIFE in all of this Vashti and it is so beautiful-beyond understanding, something so deep in you, like hidden treasure..but I love how you give us glimpses of it.  I feel hopeful when I read this, and I know that even when it all seems so wrong…there is LOVE and there is HOPE!  Happy Birthday to your beautiful Andy!  

  • Dvdlanas

    Thinking of you all Whitfields! xxx Love From Holland, Danielle

  • Susana Gabaldon Infante

    Beautiful post about LIFE, thank you ! XXX

  • Susan_Mangan

    Really beautiful post Vashti.
    Much love to you, Jesse and Indi on this special day.

    And Happy Birthday Andy!  Thanks for everything.  x

  • Rebecca_greenoug

    beautiful xxx

  • Charlie

    All your posts leaving me pondering things, usually life, but that has left me absolutely (well, nearly anyway!) speechless.  Beautiful writing, beautiful people, beautiful jasmine and jacaranda. Much love from a chilly but bright autumnal morning in the UK. xxx

  • Madeleine

    Life is so wonderful! it gives us gifts and leaves us with gifts everyday.  :)  Thank you Vashti for a wonderful post.  :)   Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY! and thank you for the beautiful gifts you have given to the world.  XXXXX

  • Simona

    Sinceri auguri Grande Uomo ovunque tu sia.

  • Sandra GT

    Happy Birthday Andy and Happy Birthday to my sweet little Arabella Sofia who is turning one today and who has also shown me the beauty of life and love through grief.  Thank you for letting us into your thoughts and heart, Vashti.

  • Laurie

    Your gift of words is simply amazing! Thinking of you and your family today! Happy birthday to your angel in heaven. xo

  • Nancy Philipps Waits

    Beautiful, poignant, and emotional. Happy Birthday to your forever love.

  • slytherin1

    First, I want Indi still send my best wishes for her Birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE SWEET GIRL!!
    Again it was great to read your post, thank you for sharing your life with us. It is really a special day, in Germany a beautifull,warm autumn day… 10 Years ago, during this time i learned that I am pregnant, what a great feeling…
    I think of you and your family, dear Vashti!!! And I think of our great hero Andy, wherever he is: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ANDY!!! You will never be forgotten!! I´m sure, he´s watching over his lovely´s :-)) 

  • Katerina

    I’m sorry about your friend Vashti, however I think this is an opportunity for you to talk about your husband ANDY. It is HIS day and saying more of your friend than him sounds awkward…

  • Theresa

    Absolutely beautiful and touching. Read this with tears in my eyes. God bless and many hugs to you and your children. You are such an inspiration. Happy Birthday Andy. RIP and God Bless. 

  • Massimo Di Bellucci

    Birthday Andy. Now you look from above your family and give them the
    right support to move forward in life. Greetings from Naples (southern

  • Marcisuasa

    You have a way with words and are absolutely beautiful! May GOD continue to give you and your family strength. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY!

  • Andrefgaspar


             My feelings  to you.  Andy never will be forgot

  • Mary Khan

    Absolutely beautiful!

  • Bryan Lau

    Happy Birthday Andy, you have left a legacy in the eyes of the fans and with your children.  Today is not a sad day, but a day of remembrance of the good that you had done and achieved with your family.  Well wishes from Los Angeles!

  • Dee

    My love goes to you Vashti all the way from Poland. And happy b’day Andy! You’re missed.

  • CeeJay

    What beautiful words – I agree we should always celebrate life in it’s entirety. Our thoughts are with you and your family.

  • Kris

    Just lovely my friend. Happy Birthday Indy…and Happy Birthday, Andy! Always in my thoughts. And a big congrats to your friend. Blessings are all around us and I am so glad to read that you stop to notice them. More people need to learn to stop and smell the jasmine.

  • Doris

    Happy Birthday, Andy!
    Thank you, Vashti, for your beautiful, deeply touching words!  Your family and you are in my thoughts. ♥

  • Jakewheat74

    You already know how much I love you and your words, you have a gift – and knowing you is a blessing.  There are signs everywhere, if we pay attention to them…. my Grandmother passed but still reminds me she is around with the smell of roses…. angels are among us love, and you have a way of making my heart warm when I read about yours. xoxo, Jake

  • Poc Caldas

    Happy Birthday Andy!our hero,always in our hearts! , and Vashti thank you for your beautiful words we all celebrate love ,
     celebrate every day! .

  • Trina Aguilar

    Happy Birthday in Heaven to Andy, and all my blessing to you Vashti and the children. I wholeheartedly believe that he and your friend are both here exactly when you think they are and exactly at those times when you feel them. God Bless.

  • Lena Lubrano

    Beautifully written and ironic the birth of Andy and loss of a dear friend on the same day. A very sad day, I’m sure, but as you say the universe is too big to understand why and we need to celebrate all that have touched our lives…Happy Birthday Andy, you are truly missed <3

  • Pam in Texas

    Brought instant tears, what a beautiful memorial to the special people in your life.   Thank you for sharing.   He will never be forgotten, dear Vashti.

  • Serenina F89

    Yes my dear we will celebrate life! You have to know that I always celebrate life. Your family and Andy are my spot!
    In great full to follow your blog an watch you on Instagram it’s like speacking with you…I’m changed thanks to you.
    I wish happy birthday to the beautiful butterfly ANDY WHITFIELD and ill celebrate this day watching the Capia event!
    I really love your family.
    Keep going Vashti you are the best
    Ps is your belly the one in the photo? It looks amazing

  • Jenny

    Hi Vashti, beautiful sentiments and lovely words hope you are ok? It must be a sad day but also happy as you were lucky enough to have loved him and had him in your life! which must seem a very brief moment in time, but you have lots of happy memories and beautiful children to remember him by!

    Happy birthday Andy and lots of love from a fan! I love Spartacus and I thought Andy was fantastic in it!

    Lots of love
    Jenny xxx

  • Sascha

    Dear Vashti, I am such in awe of you. I love your blog, it’s a true inspiration. Thank you for making me think, laugh and cry. Happy birthday to our champion Andy and lots of hugs and love to you and your beautiful family.

  • KDee

    Talented Vashti,

    You mention a slight tickle, almost a kiss on your cheek, perhaps better known as “butterfly kisses” coming from your beloved Andy…who’s sending a message of love and encouragement to propel you forward to live this crazy adventure and on occassion notice the signs of the swinging door and only someone with profound insight as yourself would see these swinging door gifts as remarkable… 

    Touching and beautiful post Vashti…….thank you for sharing 

  • Jennie

    Happy Birthday Andy your short but beautiful life has given so many people HOPE and courage to face what life has sadly planned for us. I am one of many people who have cancer but every day I think of the words “BE HERE NOW” this gives me hope for myself and my own family and friends. I know I only know you from the screen on my wall but thank you for letting us in to your life with us … XXX

  • Denise

    Dearest Vashti,  As I honor Andy on the anniversary of his birthday, I feel a great sense of gratitude to him for choosing you as his life partner and thus, enabling me to know and learn from you, while you preserve his memory for each of us.

  • Sara Talajlo

    Beautiful words from a beautiful lady who happens to have two gorgeous children.  Happy birthday Andy xxx

  • Karen

    Thank you for your posts, beautiful and inspiring, as always.  Happy Birthday Andy!

  • aj

    This is the first time i have ever donated to anything.The reason i did was,i to have been diagnosed with a disease 
    that means the coming years could be a struggle.But seeing what happened to Andy made me realize ,it really is nothing, compared to what you and your family have been through.
    I have also never worn any type jewelry etc on my person ,in 39 years on this earth.

    But i will wear Andys band with pride..

  • Just Jennifer Boisvert

    Vashti, you are such a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN with a heart made of PURE Gold.  I just adore the hell out of you. You always make an impact on me–whether it’s thought provoking, a big ass kicking WOW! or a little flutter of a Flutterby’s Wing. Just a spectacular human being you are!!!!

  • Susana Matos Nunes

    At the end of my day I can finally leave you my… Words.
    I just live the last days thinking that today, as you already said, we must celebrate life! Andy’s beautiful life, fullfill with love and noble values. A life that desearve in did to be celebrate!
    But today I wake up with a heavy heart (can’t explaine why) and saw myself on a very grey and rainy day, as you can imagine, sound like a sad day… The faces around me looks like the day but to honor Andy I try my best to have a happy day and try to cheer up everyone around me. Someone asked what happen with me, why I look so crazy!?
    About the signs around you… I believe it’s real! The energie of the soul is very strong and you too have a very strong energie connected with Emma and Andy energie. Maybe is not just like a kiss, is really a kiss they came to give you… And if I’m wrong, at least feel good just to think I’m right!…
    Congratulations to you, for the great news of a new life around you! Be good! Take care! A very big kiss for you and the littles. XXX

    To Andy:
    Have a very big happy birthday my friend wherever you are! We will keep the tradicion of celebrate your life… It’s not just any life. The world have to meet you! Your passage make a diference. I know You’re smiling, as always!
    Stay around and keep watching! X

  • Susiemt

    Hi Vashti,

    I wanted to write and say that I think you are an amazingly strong, compassionate and wonderfully caring woman with a beautiful soul.  Whilst I don’t know you personally, (I have only read your posts on Be here now),  you continually inspire and touch my heart and that of so many others I’m sure.  Happy Birthday to Andy and to your beautiful little girl Indigo Sky and also congratulations to your friend on her pregnancy – it’s amazing how life works out sometimes.
    My beautiful Mum sadly passed away almost 3 years ago, also from cancer and she told my little nieces and nephews that she would turn into a beautiful butterfly, so I can truly relate to the happiness of your little ones when they see butterflies.
    Perhaps we can find comfort in knowing that maybe your beautiful Andy has a butterfly mum to look after him and my beautiful mum has a strong butterfly in Andy to watch over her.  The jasmine flowers are in full bloom here in Sydney now too, so I will think of your friend Emma and all our loved ones who have passed away but are always close by and forever in our hearts.  Take care Vashti and continue to celebrate and enjoy life with your little children.

  • Alamb67

    WOW!!! That has to be one of the most uplifting things I have ever read. Happy birthday Andy… I’ve just realized how the awful sadness so many of us felt at your untimely death has been replaced with joy, laughter (and a few tears still now and again) at getting to know and here about your lovely family and their wonderful,wacky,crazy, exciting  lives and personalities. Life is something so many of us are still so scared to live (guilty!!). We let family,friends,jobs,and so many other commitments bog us down because we don’t want to “upset” or “disappoint” anyone. Vashti and the littles are a wonderful example of how to TRULY enjoy life… Sometimes,when I look at the pictures posted on here and instagram,  I can actually hear and smell the sea… I can hear the wind rustling thru the leaves when Jesse and Indi visit your tree,I here the wheels on the concrete when I see a picture of Jesse skateboarding… But best of all I hear they’re laughter which considering what they’ve already suffered in their young lives is awesome and they have their mother to thank for that…  They are a wonderful legacy to you Andy and I for one feel a little more stronger every time I read this blog.. Again happy birthday hun, where ever you are xx   

  • Christopher Brown

    Thank you so,,,,,,,,much for sharing.
    Each time that I read the beautiful words on “maybemcqueen”, I am truly  flooded with emotion and gratitude.HAPPY birthday “A.W” & lil’ “Indi”Love & LightXOChris Brown

  • Andrea Nunes

    Happy birthday, Andy!
    Happy birthday, Indi!
    Much love to you and your beautiful little family, Vashti!
    Let’s celebrate life, today and all the other days to come.
    And thanks for sharing all these inspiring words of yours.

  • Irena

    I am in awe of the miracles you were able to witness…so PROFOUND!  You have such a wonderful gift with words and, more importantly, with the ability to grasp the essence of LIFE.  I can’t thank you enough for sharing this wisdom with all of us.   Sending you love and light across the oceans and special birthday wishes to the other side…

  • Shirley Mortimer

    Happy Birthday Andy, always in my thoughts.

  • michelbarreau

    tant d amour dans ces messages vashti vous etes un ange comme andy  c est pourquoi il vous a tant aimee. Champion nous pensons a toi et a ta petite famille tous les jours. BISOUS de france

  • Tanja

    Dear Vashti, I love reading all your posts. This one is especially beautiful! I feel honored & blessed that u share all your thoughts and memories with us. You are such an ispiring woman & this is such a great blog.

    Happy Birthday Andy! You alway will be rememberd!

  • Todd Foster



    Ciao Vashti,  saluti da Roma. 
    I’m close to your wonderful family even if I don’t Know you.  Sei speciale come lo era Andy. TVB

  • Joleneplatt

    Thank you so much for all you have done and continue to do for myself and everyone else you touch everyday!!
    I hope one day to be half the women you are!!

  • Ltrieger

    Absolutely the most beautiful and inspiring writings I have read in along time! You are all in my prayers! Happy Birthday Andy! Wishing you all the best! 😉 Leasa

  • Jennifer M

    So beautiful!!!!

  • Malin

    I  just arrived emotional fullfiled from my amazing  Paris journey and for me it´s very late at night right now,
    but of course the first thing I urgently want see, is,  my both little ones.
    I can´t describe it in words, as you Vashti, how thankful  I am, that I have this both so loved kids by my side .

     One day before I went to Paris, I saw an awesome band in Hamburg and they left an very deep impression on me. They called “Livingston” and I also had the chance to speak to them. Just beautiful people ! 
    All trough my gorgeus impressions and experiences, which I made in Paris, i have there songs in my mind and when I came back  at home there is this special one which I can´t get out of my head. 😉

    Vashti, you´re just beautiful in every way.



  • Vjs

    Beautiful, Thankyou. Bought Tears to my eyes, in a good way, reminded me at how wonderfull the mysterious syncronisitys of life flow everywhere. Lots of love for you and your family. Xxx

  • Malin

    Regarding your RT:

    Tank you Vashti ! Ludovica Einaudi gives me wings to (Fly) !



  • Christel

    happy birthday Andy : your blue eyes shines forever in the sky 3> butterfly06210

  • Paola Gomez

    What a wonderful life!!! Thank you God!!

  • revelangel

    Mrs. Whitfield, I decided to post a message now after reading all previous posts. Inspiring words nonetheless. Andy was indeed a beautiful person and father. Thank you for sharing your private and most intimate thoughts with us. Life is not easy after losing the one you love but you have manage to do so in an inspiring way. May God continue to empower your life and family. And you are right, somehow, Andy’s presence remains….

  • Caroline

    what a beautiful expression of your life. Your words are soft notes of a requiem for these  times in your life, and I feel so privleged to read them. x 

  • Elenir_brehula

    Lindo this post! Let’s celebrate life!

  • Cauddino

    Just beaitifulxx

  • Dana

    I lost my husband to cancer 3 and a half years ago. I know how the world changes, your life no longer the life you knew. I don’t know why I also mourned the death of Andy, but it really was difficult for me. I think of you and your children, going forward without his presence. Please accept my best wishes for the future of your family and know that I think of Andy often, even though I didn’t know him, he touched many lifes with the brillance of his performance as Spartacus.

  • Jadeoshay

    Beautiful. What a wonderful view on lifes most hardest of lessons. I’ve searched for answers to my qusetions and there are many.. And you write so simply and beautifully making me finally see some sense and reason behind it all.

  • rob


  • Bethany Guerra

    wow! you are an amzing woman!

  • Spo41

    Vashti   if more people around the world had your outlook on life, this world would be a beautiful place to live in

  • Sara Dudziak

    I don’t know how you do this that you are very positive. I read that and I cry…and i will cry because when i remember Andy, his power and brave i can’t stop thinking  that my life is empty and full of pain…Please don’t get rid of your attitude.

  • pothet léna

    dear vashti, i am a french girl. I just want you to know that you, andy and your family are always in my thoughts.
    i have always read all your posts. you are an incredible stronge person.
    (sorry for my english)

  • Sandy

    this feeling comes to me when I hear the song You Are so Beautiful, he steps forward and whispers his love.

  • We are Welsh.

    I am welsh.I know the places he knew as a young man.In his short life he had love and happiness beyound many have known.Happy Birthday Andy.We are proud.We are sad but we are Welsh.

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