This feels a little like confession, although in truth my only real experience of going to confession has been watching it portrayed in a movie, with usually something humorous or violent to follow the initial share, so we’ll aim for something witty shall we?
When I first began the MMQ blog and my love affair with writing, so also began a whole new exciting, passionate, cathartic and incredibly meaningful relationship. In fact is was three way relationship; a deep and delightful love of words, language and communication; a new found level of joy, respect and acceptance of my myself and who I am in the world; and of course the wonderful intense connection and unexpected friendships with so many of you.
So where the hell have I been if this new found love and ever-important set of relationships means so much to me???
Well I can’t call it writers block, as I don’t yet feel that I can own that title, but I can say that I have been paralysed by the absolute overwhelming feeling of emptiness, confusion and the very unusual and unfamiliar feelings of either wanting to be rescued or to run as fast as I can away from the fear of not following through on what I know is in me to create.
Over the last six months I have been rather poorly trying to navigate through what I can only describe as an emotional assault course and a rather aggressive game of ‘tug of war’. You know the game; there is a large thick rope and a few strong people on either side and the winners are the ones that pull the other team to the ground. Yeah, well I have been busily playing that with myself in every part of my life. Actually no that is not true, I have been playing that with a beautiful, kind man we shall call R. I have pushed and pulled, scratched and shoved and fought long and hard to stop him joining my team that consists of Andy, Jesse and Indi.
And yet there I was having crashed yet again to the floor after losing yet another round, unable to write, unable to follow through on all that I wanted to give and this overwhelming statement smashing around inside my head shouting ‘I don’t want to do this on my own.’
Somewhere in a moment’s clarity, my fog lifted and the bruises from falling began to hurt more than they felt like an accomplishment for having fought so hard, and I realised it was time to say yes. Yes to sharing my life with someone who wants to love me (even after I have been the complete b***h from hell) and yes to the support and co-creation from countless people wanting to help Maybe McQueen grow to all that it promises to be and finally YES to you and letting you back in, after having harshly pushed you away for fear of my honesty being misaligned with your expectations.
So, as the Aussie birds squark their ‘spring is nearly here’ morning alarm call and I can hear the first sounds of little paws climbing out of bed, it is time for my to sign off.
But I am hear and I am back and finally ready to honestly and openly own the title of ‘the bare all blogger’. So ride along side if you are game…
Nothing but love VW x