Today I entered a whole new paradigm, one that could feel like deja vu, but instead of just a flash of familiarity, it has engulfed every corner of my world.
As I exhale rather too long a breathe, that leaves me a tad dizzy with such a big exhalation, I realise that I need to ‘walk the talk’ and stop for a second to get clear on what, where and how I can reach the top of the mountain, instead of going nowhere fast with a sense of uphill exhaustion, which is in fact causing me to circle yet further.
In the centre of it all I realise I am overwhelmed emotionally by having beautiful Andy’s mummy here. Her support, love and presence is beyond words but it somehow, in a way that I can’t begin to imagine for her, for myself and Jesse, is creating a constant air of fragility and moment to moment awareness of feeling raw. I am however completely committed to the experience and I believe whole heartedly that all is we have is now, so seizing the moment however much it can hurt, is a hundred percent where she and I are very much at.
I and we are also circling what is very new ground in the area of a relationship and whilst I don’t want to share to much of this chapter right now as it is so layered that it deserves several posts of its own, I, we, he and she and all involved are going through a daily process in how to best manage the situation to facilitate everyone feeling loved and respected. She in her exceptional commitment to honour her sons philosophy of taking life by the balls, is supportive, courageous and as gracious as ever in her handling of the situation and is very much grateful of the opportunity to be a part of it all in these very early stages.
The expression ‘When it rain it pours’ is definitely very apt for this time and the person I keep turning to call, to share with, to bounce off, to lean into, is no longer here. Try and imagine the sheer bizarreness of wanting to call your best friend and husband to tell them about your new relationship……. its mind boggling and so emotionally loaded that I cannot even begin to explain.
On the work front, which until recently has felt nothing but inspiring, along with the beginning of a new Coaching intake, has much writing, designing and projects to wrap up to have ready to add to the Maybe McQueen site for the now later launch date of March. The daily feeling of ‘raw’ has also invited back to the table a very familiar inner dialogue that has me questioning myself, my ability and the almost daily,’What an utter load of crap!’ conversation.
So here is what I have come to on this Monday morning and that I want to share. It is IMPOSSIBLE to predict or control who and what will step in and out of your life, contributing, creating and adding to the texture and color of your palette, but how fearlessly and creatively YOU choose to be, as you passionately paint your life’s canvas is very up to you and of course, to me.
As I pack up my laptop and head off to the office, my mantra for the week is this… fearlessly living, loving and learning as much as possible …….and how I will DO that is by breaking it all down into what is really important right now, what is most important today and what is truly important long term to live a life that honours the littles, Andy and myself!
Have an amazing week people… open your eyes, heart and ears to all that is on offer.