This week we decorated the house in cobwebs, spiders, blood feeding bats and all the usual stuff that has parents walking by chuckle at our homage – de -Halloween and most of the kids age 3yrs up, stating very loudly, as if to reassure themselves, that our special -effect blood was definitely, definitely FAKE!
It was bitter -sweet looking up at the house realizing that a whole year has passed since spreading sticky cobwebs across the front of our little home. I remembered feeling so broken back then, much like the scooped out pumpkin sitting on the balcony, hard and bumpy on the outer and hollow and empty on the inside. This year I feel anything but broken, sitting here almost plump with the sense of possibly that is circling and very much ready to harvest the years learning, holding tight as always my dogged determination to honor my one life and to have my gorgeous kids inspired by there bossy, busy, but very loving mummy.
But with that growth, that healing and that rediscovered sense of self, hovers a certain sadness, in the realization that we have moved on, we have adapted and we have learned to live without Andy. There is a faint thought and a sorrowful feeling that if we were somehow not coping and not thriving, one perhaps would be honoring his memory and the loss of him more.
Whilst I certainly don’t allow those thoughts to take hold, the emotions that I have been feeling this week, much like breathing, have had two very incremental parts. Where by both are of equal importance in their ability to not only have me survive, but to allow me the opportunity, to take deep and replenishing breaths, into a large set of lungs that have the capacity to run far and wide, on a wonderful and winding, long road ahead.
The inhalation part for me is the breath that gives new life, new possibility and the new found capacity to move forward, even when the pain in your chest restricts your ability to breathe freely. The exhalation being the relief, the knowing and the celebration of how far we have come, the wobbly stepping stones we have balanced on and on occasions slipped off, but ultimately and successfully, for want of a better word, have crossed over and somehow managed to navigate our way through.
So as I breathe deeply, in and out, riding the highs and lows with the same momentum, it feels like yet another mighty step has been taken in learning to live from a LOVE that is lost.
Image by Hector Merienda