The next layer…

By On · 52 Comments · In blog

I am sitting in a yellow chair, staring our of the window and I am not totally clear how I feel, other than a little stunned, a little broken and surprisingly wounded by my last hours recount. I have just closed the door to a lovely English journalist who will be covering Andy’s story and raising awareness about the documentary in a large English newspaper this weekend.

Usually I am asked about our life, how Andy became an actor, Spartacus etc, but this time I was caught off guard as I was asked very specific questions about his treatment. We talked about the Chemo and its effects, we talked about where and when things looked like they were on the up and then of course we talked of the chest crushing moments, when you realize that it is no longer about getting better, but a conversation about staying alive.

Reliving so many moments, that your mind has strategically stored away, like the unimaginable moment, that you watch your husband say goodbye to his babies for the last time, is like walking along a high street and a complete stranger coming up to you and punching you very hard in the face and after having intuitively fought them off, you are left shaking, pumped full of adrenaline and in total disbelief at what just took place.

Being out of our little community and the safe little structure that has allowed all of us, the kids and I, to move on, is way more challenging than I imagined. I want to wear a T – shirt that says be gentle with me cause I am bit broken and be circled by an entourage of dear friends that protect us from anyone and everyone that doesn’t know or care about where we are at.

But just as it is, when you have learned to walk again after a horrific car accident, there comes a point when you have to leave the safety and support of the hospital and with all the knowledge that you may very well fall, take on your first time crossing a road, knowing that the lights might change at any time as that you may need to ask for help as you mount the curb.

The layers of grief are not clean cut and learning to really be back out in the real world means that, step by wobbly step, you have to actually get back out there and slowly but surely, what in one moment will feel like you are only just coping, will suddenly become your amazing ability to thrive.

 

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  • http://twitter.com/crixacus Levi

    my dear lady as always you stun me with your way with words. I am happy to hear that Andy’s story is being covered in the UK, and happier still that you are able to pull up your bootstraps long enough to to something like that interview. I know we are only more-than-a-little distant acquaintances at best, but know that I think of you daily, as I go about work or play.  Im sure you have plenty of loved ones to surround you with all the love and support you need, but I still give mine to you and the littles, in the spirit of love and reverence.

    I know that being outside of Sydney must be a little abrasive, and probably even more so than you expected, because you havent had to deal with him being gone outside of “home”, so maybe in a sense, it feels like youve left him somewhere. And if that is so, then may I remind you that although he will indeed be with you and your beautiful children in every step you will take, he will also be home, waiting for you to return, in the comfort of the life that you two built together.

    all my sincerest and warmest thoughts to you, V.

  • Mush

    :(

  • Naomi Duvall

    Your ability to thrive inspires me.

  • Dilyana Konstantinova

    I sent a brief description of the history of Andy “Be here now” on site of the leading TV station in Bulgaria.I hope to have positive result.Although there were people who said that there are more important things.But there are all kinds of people.I rely on good people.

  • Nessa Crotty

    Sadly a family member lost his fight this week and with that a dear friend lost her soul mate, the love of her life. I’d rather ride the rollercoaster than the merry go round, she wrote. I hope she can muster the courage in the months to come and try to soldier forward as you have. Inspiring as always. Happy travels.

  • raelynn32768

    Vashti….. That alone, must have taken a lot of courage to write! The strength you muster up is unbelievable, and I am sure, even surprises yourself at times! I think you are on the perfect journey, at the perfect time. Some things will not make much sense now, on why they are happening, or helpful, but when you look back on them, you will know EXACTLY why. You are such an amazing person, and you should be so proud of yourself! You have all of us, complete strangers, utterly amazed and stunned by your courage and bravery!!!! We are all here to listen and help you along…… You are far from alone! XXXOOO

  • Jennifer M.

    Dearest Vashti! Oh how I feel for you and understand you. I remember when my mother was sick with cancer. You kind of just exist, grit and bear it, one day pushes the next and as the days pass, the hope fades just a little more. But when she passed, that whole year was difficult. I functioned, cause i needed to, laughed, smiled, when I was around people, and they would say ‘you’re so strong’. I got back to a seemingly”normal” life. But when I was alone, the pain would rush in, those painful moments would fill my head and heart. I would then realize ‘HOW DID I DO THIS’ How did I stand this, how did I endure this!’ Such SADNESS! it was only after she passed away that I realized what had actually happened, like watching a replay of an accident and realizing just how bad the impact actually was! I was 18 years old when she was diagnosed, and 21 when she died. For a year, I had flashbacks, like a post traumatic stress thing, but after a year or so I slowly started to envision her in my mind how she looked before she got ill, when she was happy and healthy. 
     I cannot begin to imagine the moments you have had to endure. When you made the statement about Andy’s last words to your children, I could not bear to think about how painful that moment must have been. You have been through so much, and you have been so strong, and of course, you NEED to be strong for your children, and you needed to be strong for Andy, but its OK now to feel winded and crushed because it takes time, to heal…You do not know us, yours and Andy’s fans, but we are your ‘entourage’ of extended friends and we send you our energy and good thoughts. We have your back! xo.
    Jennifer M.

    • Alexiscarril

      Beautiful!

      • Lan

        I agreed with Jennifer and Alexiscarril, well said.   We are here for you and the kids Vashti!  “You have been through so much, and you have been so strong, and of course, you NEED to be strong for your children, and you needed to be strong for Andy, but its OK now to feel winded and crushed because it takes time, to heal…You do not know us, yours and Andy’s fans, but we are your ‘entourage’ of extended friends and we send you our energy and good thoughts. We have your back! xo.”  Lots of HUGS!!!

  • Sally T.

    It must be so very hard to relive those shattering moments again for someone you don’t even know. I just took a deep breath with/for you (sigh out vocalizing ‘heeeeee’ if you can for a nice, big release).

  • Joanna Sharif-Crawley

    Vashti,
    Being back here in the Uk must be strange but we care. We care so very very much xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Cátia-Silva/100003812625298 Cátia Silva

    Oh my God, that just remember me how it was with me when my mom was also fighting against cancer. Noone knows what it is to see someone who was completly independent suddenly needs help for the simple task of getting of bed. Just be strong and keep in mind that we are here for you. Just as you saw with your project, just ask the Universe and it will provide.

  • Beth Forrester

    Reading the first few paragraphs gave me a little heartache for you…..but as I continued to read I realize just how strong you are and able to share your feeling and emotions with all of us. Going through this had to be very painful for you, but it was for such an important interview talking about ‘Be Here Now’ and raising awareness to help so many people. I have a feeling this is something you will be asked about about more with Andy’s film being made. Like you said, it’s another layer and must be very challenging emotionally…..but you are thriving, you are an incredible woman who so many people look up too for inspiration, including myself!

  • Nemau

     I understand you Vashti. My story is not the same. But me too, man of my life is gone. It’s been 3 years …

    Today, after high and low, I built myself in a place where it will always be with me …. We create the reality we want in his heart …. With the certainty that nothing really separates the twin souls …. This is my faith …. this is my strength ….

    Big hugs, dear Vashti 

  • Trisha Fiene

    This is what I love about your blogs.  There is a lesson, an inspiration, a revelation, something, here for everyone.  I cannot relate to losing a spouse, however, I have been divorced.  I remember the day I found out he was having an affair and no longer had any use for me, for my son, in his life and it was as though the man I knew died.  It was as though someone came up and punched me in the stomach and left me lying there to figure it out, on my own.  I was young, inexperienced and had a toddler at the time.  I remember feeling like my world had just completely changed and I had no say in it whatsoever and this is not what I had planned and it certainly wasn’t the future I’d planned for my son.  No, I have not experienced the death of a spouse, nor do I understand, completely, what you went through, though I have some idea because I am a nurse and when I heard Andy was sick, I had my own ideas about what he was probably going through.  However, I experienced a different kind of loss, but yet, a loss.  While our losses were very different, the hurt, the devastation, the loss, the grieving, very similar.  That is what I love about your blogs and just inspiration in general, it is the essence of what it is to be human.  I remember feeling as you do, beaten down, broken, where just putting one foot in front of the other took so much effort.  But you, like I did, have babies to take care of, we have no choice but to pick ourselves up and get those feet moving.  I admire your strength and your courage.  No matter how “broken” you feel, your strength to even think about moving on at this moment in your life, let alone the fact that you have done it, started picking up your life and trying to make it “normal,” better for your children’s sake, is utterly amazing. I know you say, what else do you do?  But we all have choices.  They may not be excellent choices, but choices all the same.  You have chosen to put yourself out there, be vulnerable and raw so that the rest of us may learn something, so that we may help one another and to leave a legacy such as Andy’s–to be a light in the world.  To be positive when you feel like you’ve been beaten down is a more difficult choice than getting caught up and lost in sorrow.  So hats off to you, my dear.  You have been dealt a crummy hand, but it’s what we chose to do after that that speaks to our character, our integrity…our legacy.  Bravo!  Keep up the good work.  And remember, no matter where you go, because you’ve chosen to put yourself out there, you are ALWAYS surrounded by a support system of people pulling for you and willing to offer you some words of encouragement when you need it.  That’s what this thing of being human is all about.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=640109006 Stephanie Clark

      Perfectly spoken.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=818507821 Patricia J Tibbits

    Again, we don’t entirely know your grief, but just know, you have many who share it and respect your process and ways of coping and we all wish you nothing but the best this world has to give to you Vashti…We’re here for you Vashti, slowly, but surely everything will fall back into place, one moment, one day, one step at a time. Best wishes, Patti xx

  • Mommabeeof3

    Oh my lord. Just when you think you’re strong, on the mend and can handle it, along comes something to shake your foundations and leave you exposed and raw. I am so sorry you had to relive what you thought was something you’ve been able to move on with.
    You may not feel it, but you are so strong. The strength the kiddos give you to wake up each day and carry on, is HUGE. You may not feel it, but you are Superhero strong.
    We all love and adore you and find so much comfort in your words. We would do anything to make you smile and to lessen the pain in your heart. Here’s one of my patent pending 10 minute hugs Vashti…..beautiful lady! <3

  • Irenemahon

    vashti my sweet brave lady ……what you ve gone through in this last couple of years its horrendous.i cant bere to think of it …….it breaks my heart how you find the strength i just dont know …….but you can be sure of one thing we dont no you personally …all though you feel part of me ….your courage is amazing ……you must always be proud of yourself ………Andy would be so proud of you ….my heart swells with pride i love reading your blog to know and be part of your existence ……love …irene…..xxxxx

  • http://twitter.com/PennyDouglas Penny Douglas

    Hey Sweet Vashti, your words, your heart, your love, all of it, fills my heart up! I want to let you know that like all of the people here have already said, and most of them I know, they are so right! There is SO MUCH love for you and the children and there are tons of people from my Andy page on FB alone who are rallied to your side, sending you so much love and I know for me personally, I pray so much for you and the children! As for me, I genuinely and earnestly love and care about you guys, as I did for Andy, who just was such a beautiful soul!! I knew that from the minute I saw him! If there is ANYTHING that I can do for you Vashti, I would! You have such a beautiful way with your words and how you describe your feelings. Please know that they are well received and that my heart reciprocates to yours! You are feeling many things that you couldn’t help but feel, having the greatest love that you and Andy shared, and that will always be with you! My heart goes out to you and the children and I will always be there for you! All of my love, Penny <3 <3 <3

  • Cazza C

    Sadly Vashti I relate to every word you just wrote. All I can say us that I’m sorry you had to go through this, but grateful that you have highlighted it too. I’ve been there a few times with various people and it’s soul destroying, but yep, you gotta pick yourself up at some point. I so hope you are ok. I’m sending you respect and a whole lotta love.

  • Julie Morrison

    Bless you Vashti, that must have been so hard. You have been coping so well but, I suppose, it is inevitable that sooner or later something will be said or done that brings all the bad stuff flooding back. You are doing brilliantly, chin up and remember those oh so good times. xxx

  • Cheryl Hancock

    I never say anything as a fan of yours .. I just read and learn. But this time what I can say is .. there are no words for what you just wrote .. except .. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and may each passing day be brighter for you and illuminate the way when it’s dark.

  • Madeleine

    Vashti, may peace descend upon your soul this day and the days to come. I can’t imagine how you must feel,  but honor you for the strength you have displayed so far. Continue to keep an open heart and let Andy’s love for you continue to shine through for you and the kids. Although he is not with you physically, he is here spiritually, so keep watching, listening for and receiving his ways of communicating with you and the kids……hence the dog poo!!  (that was awesome by the way! :)   )    Much love to you my sister.  xxx

  • Irene Mitropoulos

    All these lovely ladies could not have put it better… You’re always in my thoughts and you inspire us all. Much love and support always. Xxxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shirley-Mortimer/660990650 Shirley Mortimer

    Vashti, as always your words inspire and encourage me to go on and try harder.  I’m 52, was in a pedestrian accident a little over 2 years ago, I’ve seen specialists and they all say my back pain is from my weight or something like, it would be better with some weight loss and strengthening those muscles.  I just can’t find the motivation I need, even when I think of my grandkids and children, in another province.,  whom I miss so very much.  I don’t have a significant other, just a good friend, who has help me and been there for me, but I also suffer from depression and I am pre menopausal, but I digress,  forgive me for going on about me, just wanted to say your words help a lot.  You give me strength.                        Much love and faith, Shirley from Canada.

  • sandra james

    hey Vashti..i read your blog daily..it has become a habir now with a coffee in one hand and a bourbon cream biscuit in the other….i have laughed with you…i have giggled like a schoolgirl with you but tonight i have a huge sigh in my chest for you….keep your babies close…you are still a wonderful little family..ratbags and all…..there will be lots of difficult roads and side streets you will walk along….some will have huge obsticles…so keep strong..your husband would be so very proud of you all…x

  • Jen

    Always in our thoughts, you and your gorgeous babies, always feel our love and respect coming your way , you are an inspiration to many of us, and I know Sandra, Irene and everyone else  say it better than I  ever can xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000182742192 Liana DeBayle

    Dear,dear Vashti, I share all the thoughts and feelings that have already been expressed here so I won’t attempt to repeat them..Just want you to realize the amazing, sincere “Wall-of-Love” energy (from people you have never met in the flesh!) that has been steadily building up and  now protectively surrounds you and the Littles..That interview must have been difficult and very painful for you but I truely believe that, looking back, you will find it to have been very cathardic . Some wounds cannot heal until we allow them to be opened and fully “drained”. I think you will understand what I am trying to say…Much much love for the 3 of you!

  • Moni Robels

    Dear Vashti,
    I am sick with Cancer too and I am proud to be a backer of the documentary. It helps me.
    All the best for you.
    Moni (Germanys greatest Fan)

    • Vashti

      xxx

  • Cvinson

    My wife and I live on the south coast of Britain and I wish we could give you a big hug! We’ll look out for that article in the weekend papers.  X

  • Sara

    so lost for words, feel so helpless – so wish there was some way more we could all help you & the children.  Someway to protect all three of you, take the hurt away but you are one strong lady, that is clear from your words.  I admire your strength & determination.  Sending love & hugs to you all. xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/ShelleyAnne.Aitken Shelley Aitken

    Wow Vashit,  I enjoy reading your blogs and like many of the others feel the truth and strength behind your words.  I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to lose your soulmate and it must have been like taking a bullet to have relived those moments with the journalist.  Like Irene, Penny & Sandra and the other folks that show their love and support. I wish that their was more that I could do for you and your family.  For now I am happy to be part of the “be here now” support network, schmoosing as much as possible trying to get word out to help support such a wonderful cause.  Sending my love to you Vashti, please give your babies a big huggle (as my daughter calls a hug) and just know that through your blog and the work done through Penny on our Andy page that you guys are heart felt loved and will continue to be so.  Keep your chin up honey xxx

  • kristin

    I am sorry that you had a rough day. Difficult times should have a fast forward button. May you find unexpected courage to continue on your journey and enough grace to carry you into the next day.

  • Malin

     I take your hand and walk with you at the seaside trough the whole night till the morning comes and a new day begins.

    You are in my thought´s.

    Malin 

  • Jayne

    I’m so sorry you had this kind of day.  Everyone’s journey through grief is unique.  For me, it usually felt like one step forward and two steps back until, gradually, I realized that the steps forward were beginning to outnumber the steps back.  Still, years later, something can catch you unaware and turn you inside out.  One day at a time, or one step depending on the day.  Be good to yourself.  Hugs to you and the babies.  

  • Audrey Gorman

    You loved and were loved.   Those will always be your cherished memory’s…  Love your blog…  Thank you for sharing….

  • Alexiscarril

    So powerful!! The pain is terrible but the courage to go forward is ferocious!

  • Rebeccahyn

    Love you gorgeous woman x

  • Pili

    Wow!, I’m lost for words. I don’t know what to say, just thank you to Penny, Trisha, Irene and everyone here for writing the words that sometimes don’t come out to express how I feel.
    Thank you Vashti for sharing yourself with us. I wish I could help you and the kids in many other different ways than writing a couple of words to show you my support and love for the three of you. Keep on going lady!, you’re an amazing and awesome person!. I wish I was half the woman you are, with all that courage and strength. Memories will always be there, but grief will pass. Step by step, but it will pass.

    Lots of love from tiny Canary Islands.

    Pili

  • http://twitter.com/aidanjwalker aidan jon walker

    ruddy journalists eh!

  • Chrissie McKeown

    Hi Vashti~
    I really can’t add more to what already has been said but because of you and your open heart with sharing about the love and loss of Andy, please know that is makes me hug my kids a little bit tighter and kiss my husband a little bit longer………You just do not know what the future may hold and I will not take anyone nor anything for granted~
    Much love and thanks from me!

  • hrh1

    Love that!….yes just grab life by the balls…! I’m all for that!…even when I feel I have no grip…you seem so giddy about being in places you once were….its nice to see!..

  • Pam Stewart

    Wow…layers…the layers of grief…never quite heard it put that way but when I read this I got it totally.  I so get this post…jumped right off the page and straight into my heart and gut…leaving me speechless and revisiting a layer or two myself.  Thank you for all you share and are able to express in a very articulate way…you’re blog has been a great pleasure with so much to offer.  Keeping you and your babies in my thoughts during this journey you are all on…as you peel back the layers…  

  • CoastalGirl

    Speechless and in awe at your courage and strength as you visit some of the feelings, places, and events of the past and put them to words. I look up to you always!

  • Lidia García.

    Vashti, good morning from here in my home and my place, a remote space in this great world, where all share a one day or one night, a sunny day or a rainy day, a world we all live in love and trying to share harmony… but sometimes this world it is very difficult.
    Sometimes I wonder what the reason …… How we managed to get where we are right now ….. And I can only answer,  I DO NOT KNOW …
    I just want to wish you happiness and special moments with family and friends, and I want to thank you for your inspiring words of always.  A big hug.

  • June

    Reading your words I realize why your husbund fell in love with you..your incredible beautiful soul(and your beautiful face of course)..It had to be (also nowadays) a terrible suffering for all..When I read about the Andy´s illness I thought about it, and i thought that in these moments your foremost readiness must be the  awareness  that you won´t see grow the seeds that you planted with all your love..the seeds that you, Vashti planted with Andy, Jessi and Indi..It had to be terrible, like a earthquake who broke your legs and your mind..I have no idea about it, but i can imagine..and all the people who read at you (me the first) feel that you are now a mixture of Andy and Vashti, like your gorgeous children..you are four on three..and you have the special strenght which
     only people have when outlive at death..the special strenght which give us encouragement to realize that we only get one life, and we must to live, love and exploit to the utmost..Lots of love. ;)

  • Sam vG

    Vashti, I’m not sure if you remember me – we met through Carmen in Double Bay. Like you I lost my husband, Nick, two years ago and had 2 and 4 year old daughters at the time.

    Reliving so many moments I don’t think will ever stop – for me it’s often like a film projector in over drive flicking images over and over in my mind in no particular order over the course of our 12 year relationship. I remember the children saying good bye, the smell of the hospital, the ambulance journey, our crazy meaningless arguments, our wedding, our family holidays, the birth of children . . . . the list goes on.As you say, there are many layers to the journey we are both on and how we deal with grief is very individual and never clean cut. I am discovering more and more about myself and my own capabilities outside of being “Mrs vG” everyday. How do we deal with what has happended to us so that we can function and join the real world once more?  How and where do we find the courage to keep going and be an example to our children that life is there to be lived ?  How do we teacher our children to be strong and independent when all we want to do is go and hide somewhere rather than face and challenge the world? What happens when we do fall?  Will there be someone there to judge our decisions as a mother and as a woman?  There is no rule book for what has happened to us so young – we need to just follow our “gut”, do what we believe is right for our family and get our there and live!What we have been through is so raw that it doesn’t take much for the skin to be ripped off just when we think we are beginning to heal.  Stay strong knowing that you are doing an amazing job and are a true inspiriation to so many.Our husbands taught us the most valuable lesson  - to live and embrace life.  There are many good times yet to be had.

    Love Sam

    xoxo

    • Beth Forrester

       Big hugs to you Sam and thank you for sharing your story and beautiful message. I hope more people read it! There are very few people who can truly relate to Vashti and her experience, but you can.  I’m so sorry this happened to you and your children as well. Take care!

  • Denise Heid

    Dearest Vashti, You do not know me, yet I feel that I know you and your beautiful children because of how painfully public Andy’s illness and passing were.  I have not lost a spouse, especially one as kind, gentle and courageous as yours; but I have lost many friends and family members and I remember the shock, sadness, pain, disbelief and utter emptiness.  Please know how much I admired Andy.  He truly had a light within which shone through his performances.  I felt that his untimely passing came at a time when his star was rising.  I felt such sadness knowing that there were so many projects out there that were made just for Andy that we would never see.  But, I do not know what lies beyond this life.  I do know that if there is more, then he is waiting for you and his children.  What a joyous reunion that will be!  So, in the meantime, I wish you and the children Peace, Love and Healing and I hope that memories will comfort you and hope of reunion will sustain you.  Sincerely, Denise Heid, USA

  • http://twitter.com/aidanjwalker aidan jon walker

    just finished reading the people and mail online articles both broached differently yet were respectfully written in remembrance. feeling’s am sure are still quite raw.  your expressive ability is outstanding.