I woke at 4am this morning, which is not an unusual time for me to wake. It is something I have done since I was very, very young.
The early morning is a time that I love, it feels like a secret that I don’t want to share and a space where sight and sound for me, are as sharp as the Fox’s whiskers that used to sniff around the street, outside my London home, the one I used to share with Andy, many, many years ago.
Now, when I wake, I tiptoe pass the Cubs bedroom’s, down the stairs, attempt to climb over our Cat Narnia, as he eagerly throws himself at my feet, while he tries desperately to purr ‘good morning.’ and then and only then, am I free to open up the doors, breathe in the chilly morning air and inhale the clarity of the still, before the sun and the busyness of the day takes over.
We used to call each other about fifteen times a day, trying to shock, amuse or force the other to spontaneously laugh out loud and yet when I try to think back to then, while I can feel the texture of the phone in my hand and hear the hilarious sound that going ‘on-line’ used to make as it kind of, Starwars – beeped into action and yet, of all the fantastically inappropriately bad jokes, that we used to share, I cannot remember one.
I also vividly remember driving back from visiting his Grandmother, knowing that it would quite possibly be the last time he would ever see her, as we were about to embark on our Australian adventure and she; just like the sweet, old shortbread, that we had been nibbling politely on her heavily patterned sofa, was nearly all gone.
As Andy drove us home, the initial air of melancholy that had filled the car, was interrupted by his giddy and delighted recollections of his Grandmother and somewhere, right there in that moment, as I sifted through my thoughts, with the soft chatter of this gentle voice in the back ground, from a place deep, deep inside, right there and then, I knew that my life would never ever be the same again.
After 24 years of walking alone, I finally felt like I had come HOME.
Fifteen years later with a multitude of beginnings and endings under my belt and two beautiful little Cubs trailing behind, life goes on just the same.
I woke at 4am this morning, which is not an unusual time for me to wake. It is something I have done since I was very, very young…