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I woke at 4am this morning, which is not an unusual time for me to wake. It is something I have done since I was very, very young.

The early morning is a time that I love, it feels like a secret that I don’t want to share and a space where sight and sound for me, are as sharp as the Fox’s whiskers that used to sniff around the street, outside my London home, the one I used to share with Andy, many, many years ago.

Now, when I wake, I tiptoe pass the Cubs bedroom’s, down the stairs, attempt to climb over our Cat Narnia, as he eagerly throws himself at my feet, while he tries desperately to purr ‘good morning.’ and then and only then, am I free to open up the doors, breathe in the chilly morning air and inhale the clarity of the still, before the sun and the busyness of the day takes over.

We used to call each other about fifteen times a day, trying to shock, amuse or force the other to spontaneously laugh out loud and yet when I try to think back to then, while I can feel the texture of the phone in my hand and hear the hilarious sound that going ‘on-line’ used to make as it kind of, Starwars – beeped into action and yet, of all the fantastically inappropriately bad jokes, that we used to share, I cannot remember one.

I also vividly remember driving back from visiting his Grandmother, knowing that it would quite possibly be the last time he would ever see her, as we were about to embark on our Australian adventure and she; just like the sweet, old shortbread, that we had been nibbling politely on her heavily patterned sofa, was nearly all gone.

As Andy drove us home, the initial air of melancholy that had filled the car, was interrupted by his giddy and delighted recollections of his Grandmother and somewhere, right there in that moment, as I sifted through my thoughts, with the soft chatter of this gentle voice in the back ground, from a place deep, deep inside, right there and then, I knew that my life would never ever be the same again.

After 24 years of walking alone, I finally felt like I had come HOME.

Fifteen years later with a multitude of beginnings and endings under my belt and two beautiful little Cubs trailing behind, life goes on just the same.

I woke at 4am this morning, which is not an unusual time for me to wake. It is something I have done since I was very, very young…


  • Rivke

    Dust must have blown into my eyes while I was reading this. /wink

  • Kym

    I wish I could explain to you what every one of your blog posts do to me…..something twists and turns lightly; gently inside of me, as I feel the words deep down and as my heart beats a bit faster but calmer than before I had read whatever it is you are so kindly, openly sharing that day. It is incredible and I so eagerly come over to read whenever I see you have something to say. Thank you for being you; for sharing; and for caring about us enough to let us into your space; your heart.

  • Raukawa Girl

    So raw, so beautiful … humbled beyond words. Thank you Vashti.

  • Penny Douglas

    4am, that is the time I woke this morning. I know how you feel Vashti, as that is what I think about it, the quiet time I can get thoughts together and in check. Love that you also do that. It gives us time to get grounded. I think that in those morning hours, that it is a time for me to get in touch with myself and start my day right, so I am with you on this. :)
    You know I think that it is the feelings that we keep with us, how a certain memory makes us feel. I am like you Vashti, I don’t remember alot of the jokes and things that my husband and I shared back many years ago, but I remember how things made me feel.
    Thanks for sharing such special memories of your life with Andy and you always make my heart sing and smile. You are moving on in your life now Vashti, but there is nothing that is the same as being with Andy, I would think. He was truly an extraordinary soul and you have beautiful memories. You and the littles are moving forward but Andy is with you always, and he always will be, carefully woven in to your lovely lives, like the patchwork quilt that was on his Grandmother’s couch. Isn’t it that way with all our lives really? The loved ones we have lost are with us still.
    Thank you my dear for your beautiful words. You inspire so many! Love and hugs. xx

    • Penny Douglas

      oh and I love that your kitty is named Narnia! 😉 way cool.

  • Sally T.

    Lovingly told, Vashti. This is what ‘enso’ is, in my mind: the perfection of imperfection. One beautiful brush stroke that comes full circle, with maybe a wee gap.

  • madeleine

    4am, can also be a lovely time to share with Andy now as well….and see how many times you get a light fluttering sensation on your cheek, a little pull of a hair, or a little tickle on your nose. Nothing but love! XXX

  • Terri

    Thank you Vashti with your effervescent words and story. You help make my heart sing…and tonight I needed it so much….yeah ..tough day. Life is never quite the same as when the ones that touched our hearts and lives the most and no longer with us physically,but, always remain with us spiritually and we remember those lovely days. I appreciate the time you take for everyone of these you write and open your heart to us.

    • Maybe McQueen

      No Spree will return!!!!! Soon!!!!

      • Terri

        Thank you! I look forward to that.

  • susan_mangan

    Really beautiful post Vashti. Watery eyes reading this one! And as a lover of early mornings myself i love how you describe it at “a secret that i don’t want to share”. That sums it up perfectly for me.
    As for your gorgeous Andy, he’s there in the morning light anytime you need him….xx

  • Laz

    Thank you for sharing that special memories, you words are a true inspiration for me and Andy still is and will be my true hero . lots of loves

  • gisele

    Hello Vasthi! Beautiful words,beautiful…

  • Kristin

    Thank you for sharing an intimate moment with Andy and ultimately, a life changing one. In an effort to reciprocate openess (which is difficult) I wanted to share that I’ve never experienced such love that you and Andy shared. I was in an abusive relationship for many years and chose a better life for me and my sons after years of living a life that was detrimental to so many. Your strength provides me with strength that I can live my life to the fullest even if we are a family missing a father. It also provides hope that one day, I too might find myself arriving “home” with someone, as loving relationships do exist. You blog has always provided me with encouragement and new ideas. I also love your pictures of the ocean and sunrise/sunsets…it’s a mini getaway in the middle of my day!

  • Nadine

    LOL Vash. How appropriate to reflect the circle of your being, as is life. I miss the chats we had, but have to note down that you have given me so much more — to focus and live on, therefore my life is filled with beauty, every day.

    Stay as inspirational and memorable, as only you can be.

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