Who’s afraid of the boogeyman…

By On · 24 Comments · In blog

Today I had the pleasure of working with an amazing man, an incredibly talented artist and designer. I have known him for over a decade and have been coaching him for nearly 2 months, out of the 6 we have agreed upon. He approached me to work with him directly after his 40th birthday, after the mother of all parties and an emotional crash that hit so hard, that the collision with his own sense of failure, felt not only irreparable but temporarily paralyzed his ability to drag himself out of his own personal cloud of despair.

Over the years he has built up an extraordinary ability to prevent himself moving forward by focusing very successfully and with such determination on all his ‘failings’. His failings of all the things he had placed so much expectation on having, reaching and attaining by, ‘that certain time’ which if we are really honest with ourselves, we all have mentally marked out at some stage on our own personal life calendar of what ‘should’ happen somewhere and some point, past, present and future.

‘I should have been there by now….I should be in a long term relationship by now, my business should have been successful, I should have been discovered by now….I should be a dad by now…21, 30, 40, 50 years old….etc etc etc’

Every time we began trying to define what he most wanted he would immediately get side tracked by the disappointment of not yet being there. But what he hadn’t realized was that this was also his default ‘excuse’ strategy for NOT taking any actions towards what he really wanted in his life. So around and around we went until finally we stopped and put all our energy into exploring and reflecting what he had achieved, what in fact had got in the way for him in achieving his long list of ‘should haves’ and most importantly what existing structures were ever present in his life, that would continue his holding pattern, of going round and round in circles. By doing these three exercises he was able to acknowledge himself, own his part in sabotaging his life and give him the awareness and choice to see where and how HE and no one else was responsible for the continuum of things not eventuating the way he expected them to.

So here is what the real problem was and indeed is for so many of us. Our focus is all directed towards our FEAR and then the fear in its magnitude, not only directs but hijacks our daily thoughts, feelings and actions and lastly and most destructive of all without a view on the horizon that compels us to see beyond the ‘what if’ our fear then of course becomes our reality!

We are ALL fearful about the ‘what if’s’ but if you are willing to take and make the time to define what it is you most want and then invest a little energy into bringing it to life so that you can see it just enough to believe it. Then and only then will the actions that you need to take become tangible and achievable enough for you to respectfully acknowledge your fear and then powerfully step beyond it, embracing all of your potential and stepping right up to the table ready to ask for MORE!

Just like the new movie Rise of The Guardians, a great kids movie, which is all about the rise of the Boogeyman, the bringer of nightmares, as he orchestrates the fall of all the wonderful things that children believe in like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy etc. As the kids begin fearing their nightmares, so then feeding the demise of their belief in all that brings joy and happiness, so sees the victory of fear as their new paradigm. We all need to believe in something that is meaningful, inspiring and purposeful to us, to enable a focus that is bigger than our fear.

The breakthrough with my client was about highlighting what he wanted and NOT what he feared and then turning it into an attainable, measurable and inspiring set of goals, with just enough creative, descriptive and visual manifestation that on the days his fear felt stronger than his passion, he was able to remind himself of what he REALLY believed in.

As the kids say in the movie:

We all believe in the Boogeyman, we are just no longer afraid of him.

Share the love and post what you have used to manifest and create great things in this year so far! What have been your methods, tools, inspirations, mantra’s, structures that have facilitated your moving through and beyond the fearful part of yourself.

 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/isusanhelen Susan Lye

    I am 57 and this year my 59 yr old sister died horribly of cancer, I failed to give way to a motorcyclistand he died instantly and then last week my cousin aged 40 got killed driving his motorbike. I am fearful to drive ans sad about thisyear. My younger brother hung himself in 1981 and I had said a slander about

    • Alexiscarril

      My heart goes out to you Susan.  Hang in there dear.

    • Vashti

      The fog and sometimes choking haze of grief, of trauma and unfathomable events can leave us broken an unable to see anything other than our current reality. Allowing yourself the time  to heal, repair and forgive is all that you can do right now. Out of sad, horrific, unexpected and painful endings, come new beginnings. 

  • Alexiscarril

    I have plowed through this year with shear force and not creativity or inspiration, although I have tried a bit.  What I have been doing is something like your client, focusing on the negatives.  No more.  I am printing out this post and making it my road map for 2013.  Thanks Vashti!

  • Rivke

    I have had a crappy few years, some days it is so hard to get out of bed and just even pretend to function like a normal human, but most days I say to myself “It could be worse! Think of the ppl who have terminal illness, children in hospitals who wont survive the day or those who live in war torn countries or those that walk 6hrs a day just to get drinking water!”. I know it probably sounds lame but I literally use these and think long and hard about them and then think about my problems and what is preventing me from pushing ahead and living my life and I remind myself that only I can stop me and when there are ppl who would give anything to have the life I have, the time I have, despite the problems and difficulties and hardships,  then it’s so utterly selfish of me not to push and drive and work harder and set goals and work to achieve them.  It motivates me, helps me remove fears and helps me push and inspire others when they are stopped by fears.

    • Simona

      Cara Rivke
      condivido pienamente il tuo pensiero.
      Un abbraccio
      Simona

      • Rivke

        Ciao Simona,Spero che tu e la tua famiglia stanno bene.Molto amore

        • Simona

          Grazie Rivke
          qui tutto Ok.
          Spero tutto bene anche a Voi.
          Un abbraccio

  • Simona

    Dear Vashti,
    I have a wonderful music in headphones that makes fly my heart ….
    We are daily surrounded by depressing news but also from many small wonderful news that all added together are able to give me courage and strength to continue my story.
    It ‘a trivial my life, like so many others but I can not complain.
    I went through and step periods blacks but I always try the best side of everything.
    At worst I will not be able in order to change things but I will continue to seek a solution.
    Come this far, enough for me simply to live
    Kisses.
    Simona

  • Mindy B

    Another awesome writing Ms Vashti, thank you. I have just turned 40, a day of mixed emotions for me, you write about the artist design friend and client who seems very much a mirror image of myself, however today I am feeling warm with pride and a little sore, I graded yesterday for my black belt in Karate. Anything is possible if you set realistic goals and slowly work towards it, now I had better work on those other areas that scare the shit out of me, bring on 2013. Have a fab day x

    • Susan_Mangan

       Congrats on your black belt Mindy – a serious achievement!!  And happy birthday – don’t worry about the big 40.  I felt exactly the same but at 41 things are already better.  So enjoy!!

  • Caroline

    Thank you Vashti. I live in Germany and most of your writing comes to me in the morning. (It’s now 07:30) It liftst me up most of the time and always gives me inspiration and something to think about and use for my own life. Just to let you know! Caroline

  • Gholbrook

    I love what you have to say about fear in this post.  I recently saw an acronym for “fear” – False Expectations (or Evidence) Appearing Real.  It’s just so true.  This past year I have been pushing through some difficult dynamics in my relationships with my sisters and parents (Lord, even at 42 years-old…when will it end?).  I know that most of these difficulties are driven by this debilitating fear I have that I am going to “displease” them in some way, or turn them against me, all the while driving myself crazy because I’ll set a healthy boundary and then turn around and question it.  ArGh!!!  Trying to stay sensitive and strong…a hard balance.  Thankful for your insights as always.

  • Susan_Mangan

    For years I was stuck in a rut and let fear hold me back from doing all the things I wanted to do.  It was only when I lost my job that I was forced to face up to my fears and venture out into the big bad world.  That was seven years ago and in that time I have pushed myself to face many of those fears.  I have found that no matter how terrified you are it’s nothing compared to the sense of achievement you feel when you get to the other side of that fear.  That’s not to say I still don’t hesitate every time, I do.  But now I know it’ll be worth it in the end so I keep going.

     Turning 40 for me held all the same “should haves” that your client had.   I took to bed for a week I was so depressed.  But a year on and my attitude is a little more positive.   The mantra I always use (and one you’re probably sick of hearing from me by now)  is “Fear you can overcome, regret you’re stuck with”.  And it works!  Every time I doubt it I just think back to the person I was before and then I push a little harder.

    So thanks Vashti for another well timed post.  My new challenge at the moment is boxing.  So far I’ve only done it for fitness but for 2013 have now decided to take it to the next level and step into the ring.  Lot’s of people have been trying to talk me out of it and the doubts were starting to take over but now I know I can do this too.  So up yours Bogeyman!! Bring it on!!!!

  • Susan_Mangan

     Sending much love and hope for the new year to you Susan xxx

  • Susan_Mangan

     Sending much love and hope to you for the new year xx

  • Sally T.

    I, like so many people I know, hit what I call a
    ‘rock-bottom renaissance ‘about 12 years ago. The best thing about hitting the
    deck on your face is that there’s only one way to go and that’s up! Since then,
    I’ve done a lot of living and learning, guided by the following:

    1. Child-like living;
    ever watch a baby/toddler/young kid when they want something? Seriously. They
    will find a way through exploration, imagination, tenacity and single-minded focus
    to get that cookie/toy/remote control or master that skill. They ask questions,
    they talk to themselves, they keep moving forward and they don’t get ‘stuck’ in
    the minutiae of problem-solving. As adults, we push our instincts down and
    allow people and routines and stuff to cloud our birth-given gift to understand
    that anything is possible. I try to find ways to reconnect with imagination,
    perseverance and belief: play, laugh, explore, look at things differently and
    let disappointments go!

    2. Getting out of my
    own way has been key to my own personal growth. I discovered Lao Tzu in my
    kung fu school 10 year ago and when I found the quote, “When I let go of who I
    am, I become what I might be,” I felt like someone had slapped me (in a good
    way).  It’s so wonderful to know
    that we can keep growing and morphing by challenging ourselves! I signed up to
    compete in kung fu competitions at 40 against men & younger martial
    artists, co-founded a female performance collective and taking writing workshops.
    Sure, I was afraid…I think that’s pretty normal. But learning to do it with my
    legs shaking was what made me feel so powerful afterwards.

    3. Setting boundaries/trusting
    instinct: I learned to identify where my boundaries are and saying no to
    some people and things means opening possibilities in other areas. My Sifu says
    that the 6th sense is common sense & I’ve learned to trust it to
    inform my decision-making processes in life. If something doesn’t feel right on
    any level, I’m ok with walking away. I’m not afraid to say thanks, but no
    thanks.

    Again, fantastic exercise, Vashti! I left the housework and
    shopping to complete this today because I needed to check in with myself…so
    glad I did.

  • Kristin

    Relationships have been one hurdle for me this year. Relationships (family, co-workers, friends) can be intricate and weaved with complexity. They can be very inspiring or very trying. One of my relational fears is being afraid of confrontation, judgment, and dissapproval. By not setting boundaries or confronting my fears in a certain relationships has kept me stuck in a place that did not allow me to be true to myself. I’ve found that when I face my fears, it feels totally uncomfortable yet at the same time it feels like an accomplishment.

  • Mar

    Having spent my entire life living in fear of “what if”? I’m only now learning to let go of these thoughts and focus on the here and now. I’ve suffered from anxiety and panic attacks my whole life, to a crippling degree at times although after much work, I’m almost back to normal, working, travelling, coming from a loving family, with a circle of fabulous friends and a career I never imagined I’d have. I’m not sure if it’s possible to ever fully let go of that “bad”side of myself, I still sometimes have those dark moments of, anxiety, fear looking at my life and think “what have I actually achieved?” If I sat and wrote all of my achievements down, I would no doubt surprise myself but sometimes I just feel like I’m hitting a brick wall creatively and feel uninspired and unmotivated. I’m only 30 and so I know there is so much time for me to change these thoughts into positive ones.

  • Elena Ferro

    Hello Vashti and friends,Ummm, well, I … This year I managed to overcome my fears at three things. The first was finally ridding my bike: six years after getting my driver’s license, I dared taking my blackand beautiful Honda CBF 500, and I did enjoy it. Verily I had to overcome the fear of traffic, the fear to not know how park it, etc.., but the satisfaction I got when I was overcoming these obstacles was wonderful. I was delighted with myself!The second thing I did to overcome my fears was to start writing a blog chronicling the little adventures that happen every day to me and my extended family, in a humorous tone. I was so fearful for the criticism of my friends and especially my family!! What was my surprise when my mother, a great culture and super-bibliophile woman told me I wrote very well and thas she was really enjoyed reading my posts. The pity is that I don’t have enough time to dedicate more to it.And the third thing, but no less important is learning to overcome the fear to spend evenings at home with the children. Some time ago I was very anxious with the mere thought of being alone with the 4 critters. Now I’m learning that it’s not so bad, and really enjoy each day more of them.
    What kind of mantras, rules, tools, methods, I have used… is another good question to work on (maybe) another day… 

  • Susana Matos Nunes

    Hi, V!
    Trying to write this for three days!!! God! Now it is!
    A great post once again! I believe all of us have afraid of the bogey man, sometimes more than others; sometimes we believe it more than we should….
    Inpired by you, by your experience and just like to share my own. As you already know I teach people to drive car and motorcycle. This requires many “maneuvers of fun”… I must motivate them a lot!!! I always try to make them believe that they can, and they can do anything since they want to! I tell them about my own experience, as I have some difficulties too; because for them I have know everything since ever!! They must realise that we all can do anything or everything (almost), if we want to. the ingredients for motivate my students are: strenhgt and believe in themselves.
    With all the other people around me I just say how we all must do want we want, what makes us feel good and happy with ourselves; and for me if I can do something for someone I will, if that someone don’t desearve I’ll do just once, but I do it, for me, because it makes me feel ok with me!
    With respect and love, still here as usuall,
    XXX Susana

  • Susan ツ❤

    I also am at the fork in the road……I recently retired young (Long Story), this year at age 48 and while enjoying my fruits all of the years of hard labor am now trying to find things to occupy my life.  I do look back on the what if’s in my life that should have occured but never was realized.  Vashti, I find your blog post very helpful to guiding me back on the road to life.  Thank YOU!!

    Susan ツ❤